My Catharsis

scrap, tidbit, bit, speck, spot, small piece, fragment, iota, wisp, particle, crumb, morsel, leftover, shadow of once self, bottom of the barrel, secondhand, charity, hand-me-downs.
sorrow, sadness, tears, distress, hurt, trouble, unhappiness, heartache, misery, depression, wretchedness, melancholy, gloom, despondency, desolation, dejection, woe, bereavement.
sitting by one's self wishing for peace. for quiet. for oblivion. surrounded by people yet alone. talking yet unable to say the words. tolerated but not heard. heard but not understood. love almost within one's reach... almost but not quite. hiding behind ones smile. illusion. delusion. masquerade. facade. not being good enough. not being enough.
silence. contentment. acceptance... meek acceptance.

Wedding Bliss

I went to two of my friends' wedding the other night. It was an awesome event. They looked so happy. They've been together for 11 years and have now finally tied the not. They look awesome together and are really meant for each other. Even though I was sick and felt like not going I'm glad I did. The whole affair was filled with both laughter and tears. The guy is a riot and the girl is ubber sweet. They're two awesome people and I can't be happier for them. I wish them all the best in life.

The one who got away...

Have you ever loved someone but end up losing them anyway? Ever find the love of your life only to find out that you weren't meant to be? I know this guy who I truly believe has met the love of his life only to get his heart broken by her in the end. Do you think he'll ever fall in love again and if he does would he love the next one as much? Would he find someone better or just give the next person a shadow of the love he gave the one who got away? I've met a couple of people who went through the same predicament. Some were lucky enough to find love again which turned out to be better than the one they thought were the love of their lives. That going through all that heartache was just a means for them to find it. Unfortunately, for others, they never get over their first love or the one who got away. The true love of their life. They end up settling for the next best thing. Learning to live day after day knowing that somewhere out there is the love that they wished they had but know wasn't meant to be. Trying to get through life knowing all this and giving as much love as they can to the person they finally end up with but end up not giving them much at all. Some even delude themselves into thinking that the one they're with are the love of their lives. That they've finally moved on but deep inside they never had and perhaps never will. It's sad actually. I don't know who has it worse. The person settling or the person they're settling for. What if they knew they were just second best? How would that make them feel? Some would be happy to have that person anyway they can. Believing that their love would be enough. Some would feel forever insecure and inferior. Some are just blissfully ignorant and go on believing that they are meant to be with and where they are. As for me, love is difficult enough without knowing you're just second best. Delusion can only take you so far. Sooner or later you'll figure out that your love IS NOT enough and it's for you to decide if you can settle for the love the other person is able to give you or are you willing to risk it all and try to find someone who can love you as much (or more) as you love them. Makes me think about this line from a song... "Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love?" All I can say for the person on the other end... will you be content being just second best? Is your love alone strong enough to see you through? Something else to ponder on. I wish us all the luck in love.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

An expression oddly familiar but a bit out of place. What does it really mean? Does it mean you're waiting for something bad to happen after something good just did? Or is it waiting for something worse to happen after something bad? A Pessimist's way of thinking. Maybe I'm completely mistaken and it doesn't mean either? No, I don't have too much time on my hands that it has driven me to ponder mundane things. Just something that has crossed my mind. A means of escape. To concentrate on something so mundane helps to forget what you're really supposed to be facing and don't want to. To forget all the hurt, pain and confusion you feel inside. Even for just a brief moment, to be under the illusion of being free. Call me a coward, call me a weakling if you want. Right now all I want to do is not to care. Not to feel a thing. I wish for numbness. Think and say what you wish. I need peace. I need to gain back the energy I have lost (just by being who I am) and that I myself let be drained out of me by people. Let me deal with all of you when I get my strength back. Maybe I need psychological help. Maybe I need meds. A strong probability to both. But for now all I can say is screw you. Why? Just because I want. Sorry, I don't really like anything and anyone much right now. No matter what you say or do. I just want to be left alone. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my "perky" self. Ready to face life's challenges and disappointments. Ready do deal with other peoples problems and be the strong individual they expect me to be. Ready to be happy again (or at least let ppl think I am). But as for now just leave me alone. I wouldn't want to bite your head off and I'm afraid I will if you get too close. Like they say, misery loves company so keep away. No one deserves that from me. So let me wallow in the comfort of my own sorrow. Let me have my space. Let me have my peace, even though it is a false sense of peace. Let me neither feel nor think of anything. Give me silence. Grant me sleep. Sleep... never ending sleep. I'll be fine. Give me a couple of days. Probably a week. A shrink would be nice. Some meds would be better. Ask me again in a couple of days. I'm just not thinking straight at the moment. Or maybe I haven't been more clear about things than this very moment? Who knows. I'm just sleepy. Just leave me be. I'll live. Just another day in my life. Another thing i have to deal with on my own. Sleep... to sleep a dreamless sleep. Quiet. Numb.