Pain For a Friend

Heard some bad news about a friend yesterday which almost broke my heart.  I've been feeling that something was wrong for quite some time now but not even in my wildest imaginations that it was as bad as it is now for him.  He didn't have to say much but the little he said was like a knife through the heart.  I could feel his sadness and pain like it was my own.  I broke down and cried right in front of him...and I don't like people seeing me cry.  I felt so bad for him.  How could this happen to such a great guy?  I wanted to scream and kick and break something.  I was sad and mad at the same time.  Why the hell had this have to happen to one of the nicest people I've ever met?  Why do things like these happen to awesome, good hearted people while the wicked go around free without a care in the world?  It just doesn't seem fair.  WHY??  Then sanity dawns on me and I know that things happen for a reason.  That this will never defeat him and it's just the start to a new chapter in his life.  God has bigger and better plans for him.  And yet, I still can't stop feeling the pain.  I still cry when I think about what he's lost, what he's going through and feel helpless to help.  The pain is unbelievable.  I know that sounds strange especially because whatever is happening is not happening to me but to him but nevertheless I feel the way I do.  I can't explain it really.  It just hurts like crazy.  To see a friend in pain...to feel his pain, his sorrow.  To be honest, part of me would like to take his pain, absorb it so he doesn't have to feel it at all.  Maybe that's what I'm doing...transferring his pain unto me.  Maybe that's the only way I can help.  Wishful thinking perhaps?  Still seems that it just isn't right.  Why him?  Why now??  Damn the world we live in.  Damn those people who ruined him.  Damn you!  DAMN YOU!!!  The hate I feel for you is strong.  Hate...I shouldn't hate but can't help but feel hate.  Damn you, damn you, DAMN YOU!

I Am Grateful - Something Chirpy Perhaps?

Nothing really profound to say today, like I have anything profound to say on any day...LOL! Just thought I should put something down more lighthearted than my usual gloom and doom, geez I'm so depressed bullshit (pardon my French :P) Just wanted to write the things I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for my family, my reason for living. Need I say more? LOL! Well tough, I will. They cheer me up when I'm down, though they never can tell when I'm down. They make me laugh, they give me strength and I know no matter what shit I get into or how bad I get, they'll always be there, not behind me but beside me, to get me through it all. They'd beat the crap out of anyone who does me harm too :D.

Though we all have our own lives and do our own things, whenever we get together it's always the best. Most of the best times I've had in my adult life was time spent with them. I guess they are the thing in my life I'm most grateful for. I can freaking write a novel about how grateful I am for that. Well a novel may be an exaggeration but you get my drift. ;)

What else am I grateful for? I'm grateful for my job, though I'm utterly bored with it and need a break. I'm still glad I have one and which pays reasonably well. I'm grateful for a boss who thinks I kick ass and if he could clone me he would...hehehe. I'm grateful for the people who have faith in me, in my abilities and who think I'm extremely smart. Go figure but grateful nevertheless. Salves my wounded ego and broken spirit.

I'm grateful for the people who care about me, who truly care. Who treat me with respect, who would not lie to me (the big ones anyway that could ruin) or treat me like a fool. Who would not want to change me in any way, shape or form and accepts me for the dysfunctional and confusing person that I am. Who love me. Who have been there for me in more ways than one. You have saved me from myself.

I am grateful for the health I have, albeit not very good, I am still relatively healthy. I can still wake up everyday and do my work. I think that's a good thing. I am grateful for the few people I truly can call my friends. Our meetings may be few and far between but I know you are there and I feel the love. The bond that ties us are strong, which distance and time will never break. You are the people I trust irrevocably and unquestioningly. You will never stab me in the back but instead have it and I have yours.

Though there are some people I'd like to forget I've ever come to meet, I am grateful for the first and the second. You came into my life at times of immense sorrow and darkness. Made me laugh and eased the pain. Shown me great pleasure amidst the heartache. You shone the light to lead me the way. For that you both will always hold a special place in my heart.

I guess I'm grateful for a lot of things and I can keep on writing about them all, and someday I'll list every single one of them, but for now I think this will suffice. Just let it be known I am grateful for all the things that I have been blessed with, may it be people, pets (my puppy - love of my life), experiences, things both intangible and tangible. I am grateful. I am blessed, I am loved and those who want to screw it up or stab me in the back, fuck off. I don't need people like you. You are beneath me. If you insist, then get in line and show me what you've got. I'm much stronger than I look and I refuse to be beat by the likes of you.

I guess I'm grateful for the inner strength I have as well. :D

Just Me Being Me...

Sitting here thinking about stuff that doesn't make sense. Only knowing that I've been feeling down again. Seriously have no idea why though. Yes, things aren't going all that well in some aspects of my life, but some are okay. Just feeling depressed. Missing friends who accept me for who I am, friends I can trust undoubtedly. Tired of being lied to and made a fool of. Drained of all my energy and optimism. Feeling isolated and forgotten and yet preferring the solitude. I don't know anymore. What to do next? Nothing seems to go as planned anymore. Can't count on much anymore. People disappoint me. No point in investing emotion and trust anymore. Should be used to it by now but it still bothers me. It is what it is and we are what we are. Maybe I am screwed up more than I thought I was. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better about things...maybe. I hope I will be. Need something to cheer me up. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow something good will turn up. Maybe tomorrow I'll be happy. Until then, life goes on. I go on. The saga continues.

Tired of all the bullshit...

Why is it that some people just insist on dragging me into their bullshit? I mean, fine, it's one thing for me to want to be there for them, listening to them and trying to help them through whatever crap their going through, but it's another thing for them to keep dragging me in the middle of every possible drama to referee and then start turning on me for trying to be a friend to them. I dunno...I'm not making much sense. I'm just tired of listening to people who constantly run to me, wanting me to listen to every bit of bullshit in their fucked up world, asking me to fix it, wanting me to make them feel better but then lie to my face, stab me in the back and fill my head with crap that I don't know what's true anymore. I don't really know what I want to say. I'm just pissed off with some people right now. I just want them to leave me alone. If they want to screw up their own lives or make it more complicated then so be it. But for the love of God stop dragging me in to save you then leave me to drown on my own. Fucking tired of all the bullshit. Tired of people telling me stuff and then making me choose between them. Using me to prove who's lying when we all know they both are, including them. A real friend wouldn't put me in that position. I don't want to know what they do anymore. I don't want to hear about what goes on between the two of them or if they freaking banged each another or not. What goes on between the two of them is their own business and I'm happy not knowing because I've had it with their drama and their bullshit. Leave me out of it. I have had it with all the fucking lies, deciet and manipulation. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much. Stop screwing with my head. I'm tired of letting you. I have no idea what's happened to you, if you've changed or you've always been this way and I never really knew. Maybe I thought you were a friend but really you weren't. You've screwed up too many lives including my own and I'm tired of picking up the pieces for you and tired of letting you walk all over me. I'm taking a stand and taking responsibility. This is the last time you screw with me. I've had enough of your bullshit. Someone pull the knife out of my back.

Entry for March 16, 2009

Sitting here trying to focus on work with no success. Feeling restless and bored with work. I'm sick of it. Dunno what else to do though. Wish i was anywhere else but here right now. I want to scream and hit something. Listening to music while working hoping it'll keep me sane. Feel like throwing up.

I'm sick of everything. Sick of my life. Sick of the things around me. Sick of the same old shit day in, day out. But still don't know how to change it. Pissed off with myself for screwing up when I was younger. Regret some of the things I did that led me to where I am now. Should have done better when I was younger and maybe I would have more options than this. Maybe I'd be further along my way in life than stuck in this endless cycle of nothingness. Lots of maybes but thinking about it won't really do me any good but still can't help thinking about it.

I wish I was off traveling somewhere. Seeing old friends, meeting new people, experiencing new things, living life. Why does it all have to boil down to if one can afford it. Freaking pisses me off. If I could afford it I'd be off to God knows where doing whatever. I don't really care where or what. I just want to be anywhere but here. If I could afford it I'd be doing something else for work. I wouldn't have to worry too much about responsibilities since I knew I'd have it covered. If only it were so.

Rambling on and on and making no sense. Feel sick to my stomach. Need to relax but have no idea how. Nothing is as how I'd want it to be. Need to hang in there for a little bit longer. Holding on to the hope that things are going to be better soon. That this is just a phase that I seem to go through more frequently than before but somehow it'll end. Sick and tired of yesterday and today...can't wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow...everything will be better tomorrow.