Entry for December 16, 2006

You know those days when you're totally stressed out and at wit's end, that all you want is for the person you love to just put their arms around you and tell you, "Everything is going to be okay" or "I'm here for you" or "Hang in there, you can do it" or a simple "I love you." Those days that you need to feel loved, babied, made to feel special and all that stuff? I'm pretty much a strong person and I can go at it alone (I have done so for most of my life) but there are just days that you want to feel like someone is looking out for you. That they're willing to take care of you. That they want to. Like no matter how busy both your lives get they'd still make a point to spend time with you. That in your hour of need (well, sort of) they'll be there? Is that too much to ask when you rarely ask for anything at all? I guess it is. Keep forgetting the world does not work that way.

It's weird that sometimes when that happens someone comes along and does all the things you hope the one your with would do for you. Say all the right things, be so sweet and caring but you can't really appreciate it because it's not coming from the person you want or need it to come from most. Friends or other people don't cut it. It doesn't feel the same nor does it work the same than coming from the person you love. I guess it's just one of those days that you're all drained out, you just want to go to sleep and just let everything go. To sleep and not think and wake up after a week and go with it from there.

Aah... me and my ramblings. Things I do or think about early in the morning without work to keep you occupied.

Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can, the courage to change the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.

Everything is work

Work, work, work. Everything is work, work, work. Every aspect of life is work, work, work. Damn work. I wonder if McDonald's is open.

Good Friends

Went to church today (yes, I do go to church) and sing with the choir (YES! I am in a choir!!). Felt the urge to serve and be with friends. I'm glad I did. I forgot how much fun it is and how great my friends are. Haven't been with them for quite sometime now and it was nice being around the people you love.

After the mass I did some catching up with some friends. Some had bad news. She was happy to see me. She was surprised I came. It made her feel better to see me. I was wondering why I had a very strong urge to go this morning when I usually just go at night and not serve in the choir. I guess I needed to be there for her. God wanted me to.

It was good to reconnect with my old friends. Nice to have spent some time with them. I guess not seeing each other for a long time made us appreciate on another more. I should see them more often.

Venting

I wish I had a punching bag to let out all this unhealthy energy. All this rage. So pissed off I'm actually shaking. For what reason I have no idea. Not happy about anything at the moment and I know my behavior is neither fair nor reasonable but I can't help feeling it. I feel bad that I am letting it out on some people especially those I care about. I know that they have a lot of things they have to deal with themselves and they shouldn't be weighed down by my troubles, but for some reason, them not caring nor even bother trying to understand or make me feel better pisses me off even more. To them I'm just being psychotic and not worth even dealing with and that hurts too. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with but would it kill you to show you care about my feelings once in a while and not treat me like some kind of idiot??

Yeah, probably I'm going crazy. A self absorbed, selfish, neurotic, narcissistic little bitch! But at the moment I don't really care. At the moment I'm tired of being the one who always understands and gives in. The one who makes the effort to smooth things over and apologizes. The one who tries to make you feel good and worries about your feelings. I know I was never asked to do this and it was my choice so I should just accept the fact that I won't get the same courtesy in return nor should I expect it. But I'm only human and I hope for the same treatment from the people I care about most. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!!

Sometimes I just wonder what I really mean to them. If my feelings even matter. Because right now it seems that it isn't worth squat! Sometimes I just want to feel that they care. That even though they can't really do anything for me and can't fix what's wrong, that they'd at least try to make me feel like they're there for me and not just dismiss me like I'm a child throwing a hissy fit (I know I'm acting like one right now but I can't help it). Not to be ignored. Like how I feel isn't of importance. That my presence or lack of it holds little bearing in their lives. Is it so wrong for a person to want to be made to feel like you are important once in a while? That you matter. That you are needed. That if you leave it will have an effect on them. I was told that some people are just the way they are and they would never change but if you really loved someone you'd want to show them that they matter and want to make them feel better when they're not or at least try. It's not changing who you are but just wanting to show you care. Very idealistic, I know. Sounds like such a girl thing to say but as I last checked, I am one. So to hell what people might think about this blog. I probably will regret this when I've cooled down (I already feel guilty about my recent words and actions but I can't seem to stop) . Regret being a brat and being unreasonable but at the moment I don't care. I'm hurt, I'm mad and I feel very, very unappreciated.

This is me venting, whining, complaining or whatever you would like to think. Yeah, crazy, self-absorbed, selfish, narcissistic little bitch. I wish I had a punching bag.

I Am What I Hate

In one's lifetime you will always meet at least one person you will not like. Find something about them that rubs you the wrong way or idea/ideals/behaviors you do not agree with. You bitch, you moan, you complain about it then you realize, you are the same way. You realize that some of the things you do or say are the things you do not want done or said to you. So you spend years trying to better yourself. Trying not to be THAT person. You believe you want to treat people the way you want yourself to be treated. To be fair and just. So you work hard to do so. But you still screw up. You still fail at times and become that same person you've tried desperately not to be like. You end up being the person you hate.

At first you try to hide that from people. Hide the dark side of you. Hide the ugliness. Ashamed of it. Afraid of how people would react. Afraid to be left behind. Then you try to be honest about it. To let people know you might have a problem. Open up and be honest in hope that, though they may think it wrong and do not understand, would try not to judge you. Would at least give you the benefit of the doubt that you do want to change and have been trying to do so. Would be supportive and encouraging that you can change. Hoping to make your relationship stronger and maybe help you get pass it all. But I think that's too much to ask from anyone. I guess it wouldn't be fair to expect it. Too much of a burden to put on a person. I guess some people really will never change.

I understand. I see their point and for the most part I agree with it. I am what I hate. No point denying it. I'll still go on, trying to work through my issues and learn to deal with them and try to be a better person. But, people around me, be forewarned. You may not like me if you really get to know me and I cannot change that. All I can change or try to change are the things I think is wrong with me or the things I think that can make me be a better person. But I am only human and I will screw up at times. If you don't like me for who I am or what you learn about me in the future I will understand if you would wish to leave me. I will be hurt but I will understand. You are in no obligation to live with what is wrong with me or accept me for who I am after all. That is YOUR right. All I can do now is be honest about who I am and not pretend to be someone you would like to be with. I wouldn't do any of us any good if I did because the truth will always come out and you'll always have to deal with the ugly side of me. The thing you too would hate about me.

This is my way of letting you know I am screwed up. Isolating myself is sometimes the best thing I can do for everyone.

Boredom

Aaahh... sitting here in my chair, staring at the monitor. Abstract thoughts, floating in and out of my mind. Nothing real. Nothing concrete. Feeling baffled about something I neither know nor understand. No rhyme nor reason. Not knowing what nor why. Just sitting here, typing. Typing of things that do not make sense. Just typing. Typing anything that comes into mind. Type, type, type. Don't really feel like arguing either. Eh? Too lazy to sleep. Hmmm... peaceful. Reading and re-reading anything and everything. Nothing going on with me or around me. Just here, sitting. Staring into space. Not minding being alone. Aaahh... sleep fast approaching. Glad you're finally here. At least I think you're here. Oh well... back to mussing over incoherent thoughts. Sweet dreams. Blissful dreams.

My Catharsis

scrap, tidbit, bit, speck, spot, small piece, fragment, iota, wisp, particle, crumb, morsel, leftover, shadow of once self, bottom of the barrel, secondhand, charity, hand-me-downs.
sorrow, sadness, tears, distress, hurt, trouble, unhappiness, heartache, misery, depression, wretchedness, melancholy, gloom, despondency, desolation, dejection, woe, bereavement.
sitting by one's self wishing for peace. for quiet. for oblivion. surrounded by people yet alone. talking yet unable to say the words. tolerated but not heard. heard but not understood. love almost within one's reach... almost but not quite. hiding behind ones smile. illusion. delusion. masquerade. facade. not being good enough. not being enough.
silence. contentment. acceptance... meek acceptance.

Wedding Bliss

I went to two of my friends' wedding the other night. It was an awesome event. They looked so happy. They've been together for 11 years and have now finally tied the not. They look awesome together and are really meant for each other. Even though I was sick and felt like not going I'm glad I did. The whole affair was filled with both laughter and tears. The guy is a riot and the girl is ubber sweet. They're two awesome people and I can't be happier for them. I wish them all the best in life.

The one who got away...

Have you ever loved someone but end up losing them anyway? Ever find the love of your life only to find out that you weren't meant to be? I know this guy who I truly believe has met the love of his life only to get his heart broken by her in the end. Do you think he'll ever fall in love again and if he does would he love the next one as much? Would he find someone better or just give the next person a shadow of the love he gave the one who got away? I've met a couple of people who went through the same predicament. Some were lucky enough to find love again which turned out to be better than the one they thought were the love of their lives. That going through all that heartache was just a means for them to find it. Unfortunately, for others, they never get over their first love or the one who got away. The true love of their life. They end up settling for the next best thing. Learning to live day after day knowing that somewhere out there is the love that they wished they had but know wasn't meant to be. Trying to get through life knowing all this and giving as much love as they can to the person they finally end up with but end up not giving them much at all. Some even delude themselves into thinking that the one they're with are the love of their lives. That they've finally moved on but deep inside they never had and perhaps never will. It's sad actually. I don't know who has it worse. The person settling or the person they're settling for. What if they knew they were just second best? How would that make them feel? Some would be happy to have that person anyway they can. Believing that their love would be enough. Some would feel forever insecure and inferior. Some are just blissfully ignorant and go on believing that they are meant to be with and where they are. As for me, love is difficult enough without knowing you're just second best. Delusion can only take you so far. Sooner or later you'll figure out that your love IS NOT enough and it's for you to decide if you can settle for the love the other person is able to give you or are you willing to risk it all and try to find someone who can love you as much (or more) as you love them. Makes me think about this line from a song... "Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love?" All I can say for the person on the other end... will you be content being just second best? Is your love alone strong enough to see you through? Something else to ponder on. I wish us all the luck in love.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

An expression oddly familiar but a bit out of place. What does it really mean? Does it mean you're waiting for something bad to happen after something good just did? Or is it waiting for something worse to happen after something bad? A Pessimist's way of thinking. Maybe I'm completely mistaken and it doesn't mean either? No, I don't have too much time on my hands that it has driven me to ponder mundane things. Just something that has crossed my mind. A means of escape. To concentrate on something so mundane helps to forget what you're really supposed to be facing and don't want to. To forget all the hurt, pain and confusion you feel inside. Even for just a brief moment, to be under the illusion of being free. Call me a coward, call me a weakling if you want. Right now all I want to do is not to care. Not to feel a thing. I wish for numbness. Think and say what you wish. I need peace. I need to gain back the energy I have lost (just by being who I am) and that I myself let be drained out of me by people. Let me deal with all of you when I get my strength back. Maybe I need psychological help. Maybe I need meds. A strong probability to both. But for now all I can say is screw you. Why? Just because I want. Sorry, I don't really like anything and anyone much right now. No matter what you say or do. I just want to be left alone. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my "perky" self. Ready to face life's challenges and disappointments. Ready do deal with other peoples problems and be the strong individual they expect me to be. Ready to be happy again (or at least let ppl think I am). But as for now just leave me alone. I wouldn't want to bite your head off and I'm afraid I will if you get too close. Like they say, misery loves company so keep away. No one deserves that from me. So let me wallow in the comfort of my own sorrow. Let me have my space. Let me have my peace, even though it is a false sense of peace. Let me neither feel nor think of anything. Give me silence. Grant me sleep. Sleep... never ending sleep. I'll be fine. Give me a couple of days. Probably a week. A shrink would be nice. Some meds would be better. Ask me again in a couple of days. I'm just not thinking straight at the moment. Or maybe I haven't been more clear about things than this very moment? Who knows. I'm just sleepy. Just leave me be. I'll live. Just another day in my life. Another thing i have to deal with on my own. Sleep... to sleep a dreamless sleep. Quiet. Numb.

A Bum Once More

Okay, I used to say I miss being a bum and now that I'm back to being one all I can say is... I'M BORED TO TEARS!!! Hahaha!! Why can't we be content with what we have? Oh well, I guess being a bum isn't what it's all cracked up to be. I guess I didn't really miss being a bum but more like I missed having the option to just bum around. Too much of a good thing isn't really good for anyone. But if I get paid to be a bum then I'd most definitely NOT complain, hahaha!!! Hard to go out and do stuff when ur broke and worrying about paying the bills. Aahh.. Ce la'vie... did I spell that right?

Entry for February 18, 2006

Wow, it's been awhile since I last posted something on here. What can I say?? Hmmm... Work still consumes my everyday life. Life is still confusing. Still haven't hung out with my friends as much but that will soon change. I get to spend some quality time with my siblings, albeit not as much as I'd prefer, but at least I get to hang with them from time to time. Life is still life.

I'll be celebrating my birthday pretty soon. I don't usually broadcast that little bit of information but I guess since no one really reads my blogs I thought it wouldn't really matter. Nyahaha!! What do I wish for?? Oh the usual things like happiness and world peace is always up there. Money would be great, hahaha!! But the things I'd want most are the following: Peace of mind. A serenity and calmness which only comes with the feeling of security. Clarity of the mind and heart. Body and soul. With this I will finally be able to realize my true purpose in life and the direction I should take. I wish for strength and courage. Strength and courage for me to be able to hold on to my convictions. Strength and courage for me and the people I care about the most. Strength and courage for me to stay. With all the usual things anybody would wish for on their birthday, these are some of the things I'd like as well. I'd be willing to give up all the presents in the world for these. Be very willing...

Aaah... yes. I am babbling. Please excuse me. Chalk it all up to being a pisces, LOL! Anybody catch that full moon last week?? HAHAHA!!!