Tired of all the bullshit...

Why is it that some people just insist on dragging me into their bullshit? I mean, fine, it's one thing for me to want to be there for them, listening to them and trying to help them through whatever crap their going through, but it's another thing for them to keep dragging me in the middle of every possible drama to referee and then start turning on me for trying to be a friend to them. I dunno...I'm not making much sense. I'm just tired of listening to people who constantly run to me, wanting me to listen to every bit of bullshit in their fucked up world, asking me to fix it, wanting me to make them feel better but then lie to my face, stab me in the back and fill my head with crap that I don't know what's true anymore. I don't really know what I want to say. I'm just pissed off with some people right now. I just want them to leave me alone. If they want to screw up their own lives or make it more complicated then so be it. But for the love of God stop dragging me in to save you then leave me to drown on my own. Fucking tired of all the bullshit. Tired of people telling me stuff and then making me choose between them. Using me to prove who's lying when we all know they both are, including them. A real friend wouldn't put me in that position. I don't want to know what they do anymore. I don't want to hear about what goes on between the two of them or if they freaking banged each another or not. What goes on between the two of them is their own business and I'm happy not knowing because I've had it with their drama and their bullshit. Leave me out of it. I have had it with all the fucking lies, deciet and manipulation. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much. Stop screwing with my head. I'm tired of letting you. I have no idea what's happened to you, if you've changed or you've always been this way and I never really knew. Maybe I thought you were a friend but really you weren't. You've screwed up too many lives including my own and I'm tired of picking up the pieces for you and tired of letting you walk all over me. I'm taking a stand and taking responsibility. This is the last time you screw with me. I've had enough of your bullshit. Someone pull the knife out of my back.

Entry for March 16, 2009

Sitting here trying to focus on work with no success. Feeling restless and bored with work. I'm sick of it. Dunno what else to do though. Wish i was anywhere else but here right now. I want to scream and hit something. Listening to music while working hoping it'll keep me sane. Feel like throwing up.

I'm sick of everything. Sick of my life. Sick of the things around me. Sick of the same old shit day in, day out. But still don't know how to change it. Pissed off with myself for screwing up when I was younger. Regret some of the things I did that led me to where I am now. Should have done better when I was younger and maybe I would have more options than this. Maybe I'd be further along my way in life than stuck in this endless cycle of nothingness. Lots of maybes but thinking about it won't really do me any good but still can't help thinking about it.

I wish I was off traveling somewhere. Seeing old friends, meeting new people, experiencing new things, living life. Why does it all have to boil down to if one can afford it. Freaking pisses me off. If I could afford it I'd be off to God knows where doing whatever. I don't really care where or what. I just want to be anywhere but here. If I could afford it I'd be doing something else for work. I wouldn't have to worry too much about responsibilities since I knew I'd have it covered. If only it were so.

Rambling on and on and making no sense. Feel sick to my stomach. Need to relax but have no idea how. Nothing is as how I'd want it to be. Need to hang in there for a little bit longer. Holding on to the hope that things are going to be better soon. That this is just a phase that I seem to go through more frequently than before but somehow it'll end. Sick and tired of yesterday and today...can't wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow...everything will be better tomorrow.