Fun-filled Weekend!!

Okay, I promised myself that I'd start posting "happy" blogs here, besides my normal "gloom and doom" ones. Hey, my way of letting off steam so if you have a problem with that then TOUGH!!

Anyhoo, I had fun this weekend. Saturday (my one day off a week) my friend dragged me to meet her mom at one of the malls down South. She felt sorry for me coz I've never been there, hahaha!!! It was so funny coz I looked like a little kid, all wide-eyed and trying to take everything in all at once. Lots to see. Spent the whole afternoon with my friend and her mom at that mall. Ate a lot, as usual!! After that we went to have coffee at Rockwell. Did I tell you I only had an hour's sleep that day? HAHAHA!!! But I had a blast. Was pretty much wide awake. First time in months was I able to enjoy the whole day (since I work nights and I'm asleep when the sun is up ) Good times! Talked a lot over coffee. Funny how life throws you for a loop sometimes.

What else? Oh, Sunday I found out one of my closest friends from grade school was in town. The freakin turd was here 5 days before he found a way to find me!! And I just sent him an email 2 weeks ago!!!! Hahaha!! Well, he got a tongue lashing and a beating for that Funny, funny guy. Hey Lon, stop shoveling that load of crap of yours my way. That shit won't work on me. I KNOW YOU TOO WELL!!! Hahaha!!! Him, another friend of ours and I might meet up again this weekend but who knows. He's still deciding if he wants to take me with them since he won't have much success hitting on women with me around laughing at him constantly. We'll see how it goes and I'll fill you in on what moronic behavior we end up doing, hahaha!!

The End...The Beginning

The end of a certain stage in my life.

The end of a love I hoped was meant to last.

The silence of a dream, a wish, a hope.

The end of a future I dreamt was mine to have.

The end of tears and bitterness.

Never even had the chance.

A chance to know.

A chance to find out.

A chance to be with.

Going through a gamut of emotions.

Settling for peaceful numbness...someday.

The beginning of acceptance.

The beginning of healing.

The beginning of a new day.

The beginning of a new life...a new life alone.

Trudge forward, life goes on.

The sun will rise and set once again.

The world has not stopped revolving.

The beginning of a life without you.

Momentary Relapse...I hope.

Been doing okay for the past week after a month of being sort of lost. Was pretty much feeling better and ready to forge ahead and deal with the future. Things were looking up and it didn't feel fake to smile or laugh. Work was becoming enjoyable. Even welcomed the extra work. Friends were keeping me sane. Surrounded myself with positive energy. Was starting to view life in a positive way again. Then bam! Suddenly it hit me, out of nowhere. A relapse of some sort. Can hardly sleep again and have no appetite for food. I feel tired. Not good. Not much use at work if I get sick. I just want to sleep. Maybe for a week? But I can't sleep. Hopefully my sense of humor will kick in soon. Being lifeless doesn't suit me at all. So many things I'd like to write in this blog but I can't. Well, I can but it doesn't seem right. Well, I doubt anyone actually reads it so why not, right? I don't know. The end of a defunct chapter in my life. Can't possibly make it work if you're the only one working at it or you're the only one who really wants to make it work, right? Just talking to myself. I probably am psycho. Carry on a conversation with myself why don't I. Well, better than keeping things bottled up inside. I dunno. Misunderstood. I am misunderstood by the person I had hoped would understand me the most. I will always be the villain, no matter what I do. I will always be wrong, no matter how much I try. I will always be a little less than you hope or expect. I will never live up to your expectations. I will never be what you want nor need. The sooner I get that into my thick head, the better off I will be. Note to self: You are neither wanted, needed nor missed. Life goes on without you. It's not you. It's not all about you. How will you be understood if they don't want to understand? How will you be heard if they don't want to listen? How do you move on if you can't let go? Can't or won't? Have you ever wanted something bad but know you can't have it? Have you ever had something you wanted but only lose it in the end? Have you finally figured what you truly want in life, seriously, for the first time and with so much clarity, then find out it wasn't meant for you to have? Interesting thoughts. Yeah, sappy, cheesy, weak and pathetic. Take things slow. Baby steps. Things will get better. Life is full of infinite possibilities. Keep trying to get out of the funk you're in. Keep trudging forward. Someday you won't have to remind yourself constantly of these things. Call me stupid, call me crazy. Call me a shy short of a turnip. But I miss you. Would take me some time to stop missing you I guess. I'd much rather it would stop soon because it's taking it's toll one me. But, that's my problem. Aah...funny. I'm sure I'll laugh about this someday. Someday. I wish the sleeping meds would kick in soon. I wish I had a soda. Tomorrow is a new day. Onward and upward. I hope there's creamer at the office tonight. Instant coffee sucks. Oh well, better than no coffee. It's just a relapse. A very small, momentary relapse. Will all be better soon. Good, the meds are finally kicking in.

Bah, Humbug!

Christmas is usually a depressing time for me for some reason. As far as I could remember, it has always saddened me. I've always been stressed out about some thing or another and don't get to enjoy it much. Maybe that's why I don't think about the season as much as others do. I'd rather just tire myself out before, during and after. Try to enjoy it as much as I can or do something that would take my mind off it.

This year wasn't any better. I could even say it was worse. I was so hoping it would be different. I won't go into details because...because...I guess I just don't want to. All I can say is I spent the season sad and with a heavy heart. Thank God for friends...and booze. Not that I drank all that much and all that often. Nevertheless, it was good to keep my mind off things, even for just a bit. For a brief moment, I was able to forget what was going on in my life. Delude myself for a short period of time that I was fine. Aah...life!

A new year, a new life. That's all there is. Work is a welcome reprieve...for the most part. Work, family and a few friends, that's my life now. Just smile on the outside and pretend everything is fine. Try to look at the bright side. Just a bit cloudy though. I'll figure it out someday.

Bah, humbug! I'm such a Scrooge. Maybe next Christmas will be different. Where the hell is my shell when I need it?