Scattered Thoughts...

Feeling like crap and don't know why. Confused as hell. Life doesn't seem to be working out the way I planned. Losing people. Keep losing people. Missing people. Regrets. Trying hard to stay the path I made for myself yet leaving room for detours. Not making much sense. When did I ever? Maybe I need to sleep more, maybe I need to drink less. Not happy...not happy about a lot of things again. Not up to the challenge of change and responsibilities. Want to be free. Free of things that weigh me down. Free of myself. Reaching out but grasping air. Nothing there. Inside my shell, looking out. Wondering why I have no control over my life. Being unreasonable. Feeling lost. Feel like breaking down but can't. I want to go...where, I have no idea. Just go...just leave. Just typing. Feeling lonely and yet, wanting to be alone. Isolation. Crap, not making any sense. Close to tears and don't know why. Maybe I do. I don't know. Lost...just lost. Wishing for the darkness...willing for the quiet. Praying for the end. Staring into space...can't make myself move. Existing. That's all there is. Want to scream, want to shout. Don't have the energy. The passion is gone. Feel dead inside. Smoke and drink to oblivion, but can't. Life goes on. The day comes anew. Bleeding...let me bleed. Ramblings. Incoherent thoughts. Scattered. Scared? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

My Letter to RP

wanted to write something for my blog but couldn't think of anything so i decided to email a friend instead. towards the end i realized it looked like something i'd post on my blog so what the heck. those who bother to read my blog basically know i put it out there anyway, my emotions. so if you want to comment on it, feel free. i'd be interested to know what people really think, even if i wouldn't like it. as for the person who this email is meant for, get back to me on it.

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nothing. was tired of working so i was checking out my blog. was thinking about writing but felt tired and couldn't think of anything to write so i just read...and read...and read.

don't you find my posts depressing? i mean, is it just me or do people get depressed reading them? on the one hand i think most of what i wrote were pretty good, a bit eloquent even. Honest and open. No pretensions, just me being real. yet on the other hand it's depressing and/or full of crap. i dunno, what do u think?

i realized i couldn't read this one post without getting a little choked up. just that one post. it just seems so honest and real even for me. like my emotions where there for everyone to see. my vulnerability. it seemed like i couldn't get any more emotionally exposed than that. pretty short post but nevertheless...

maybe it's just me. maybe it just gets to me because in some way i still feel the way i did at the time i wrote it. maybe it's just because it means or meant something to me. maybe in time i won't feel the same way about it as i do now. maybe i'd even feel stupid putting it up there. maybe i'm being too introspective. maybe i think too much, feel too much. maybe. i dunno. lots of maybes. oh, well. someday...just someday.

i'll talk to you soon.

Entry for June 10, 2007

Went shopping today. Was supposed to get something to wear for work but I couldn't find what I liked so bought something else. Bought a couple of short skirts, shirts, blouse and a tanktop. Fun, fun, fun!!

I got my ear pierced today as well. Yes, I said ear. Just one. Pretty awesome but I'm sure it's going to hurt like hell in the morning. Have no idea how I'm going to work with this thing throbbing in my ear since I wear a headset all day everyday, hahaha!! But hell, it was well worth it. Next thing... a tat!

Wanderlust...

Do you ever have those days that you feel antsy and don't know what to do? Like you're itching to do something else or be somewhere else but don't know what or where? That's how I feel now. The job I once enjoyed and took comfort in now seems to suffocate and bore the hell out of me. The people that I look forward to seeing everyday now bug the hell out of me. I want to do something else but don't know what, want to be someplace else but don't know where. Confused as hell and don't know what to do about it. All I know is I'd love nothing more than to be anyplace else but where I am right now. I need a change, something new. Something completely different and out of the norm. New surroundings, new people. A place where no one knows me or anything about me. Start fresh. Be able to leave all the excess baggage behind.

I know, seems like a cop out. Like I'm trying to escape from the life I'm living. But isn't that sometimes for the best? Besides, I don't seem to be living my life anyway. Hiding behind work, behind friends, behind... stuff. I want to leave. Just leave. When you think about it, I really don't have anything or anyone tying me down. Family and friends I have lots of here, yes, but they all have their own lives so it wouldn't really make much of a difference if I stay or go. I have nothing of my own. I feel misplaced. Feel out of sorts and lost. Even around family and friends I feel out of place. The odd man (or woman as the case may be) out.

If I had the money I'd just get up and go. The destination doesn't really matter, anywhere is fine. I guess that's the only thing that's keeping me from going. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear of needing to rely on someone else. Oh, I digress. In my mind I am.

I have nothing for me here nor do I have anything for me anywhere else. I just want to go.

Yes, I WOULD like some cheese with my whine. Yes... I digress.

Ramblings...

Tired of the things around me. Tired of the work I've been doing. Tired of the life that I find myself in. Tired of the pain that seems to ebb and flow. The ups and downs, the drama and the sorrow. Tired of the rut I keep getting into.

Exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained of all energy. Nothing seems to excite me. Nothing seems to be worthwhile. Trying to look forward to the future yet foresee nothing. Trying to figure out what I want and where I'd like to be but keep drawing a blank. Confusion. Frustration. Despair. Lonely. Alone. Accepting all of these yet mustn't. Have to strive forward, have to look ahead. Change is good, isolation is bad. Isolation, peace and quiet. Detachment. Let go.

Work doesn't do anything for me now. Once a source of strength and focus. A means to forget. A means of escape. Now I feel stifled. I'm suffocating. I can no longer breathe. My life is nowhere I would like it to be and yet have no idea where it should be or at least, where I'd like it to be. I used to know but that was a pipe dream. Something best left in the past. Big words for someone who still can't seem to let go of it. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'm being stupid. Some days I think I have but then again...

As usual, making no sense. Just trying to purge whatever is festering inside me. For a smart woman I can be very stupid at times. Probably was a jackass of a guy in my past life and now I'm paying for my sins. An insensitive, emotionless, user of a prick that now has to atone for his sins from a past life. Interesting theory. Seems plausible though.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of the thoughts that never seem to cease. The pain in my heart. Exhausted of carrying the weight of other people's problems around my shoulders. Trying to break free but get sucked back in again and again. Surrounded by people who demand so much of me yet give little or nothing in return. Expected to bear it all with a smile on my face. My feelings don't matter. What I think doesn't matter. That I'm in pain doesn't matter. That I'm tired doesn't matter. If I break down and crumble, I'm expected to pull myself together. I have no business being weak. I have no right to be emotional. I have no right to expect and demand love, respect and a little caring.

Emotional tirade. Ups and downs. I probably am bi-polar. Hurt and anger suppressed for so long bubbling to the surface and yet I keep quiet. Still trying to keep it in. Not wanting to make waves. Not wanting to offend. Not wanting to make it difficult and uncomfortable for anyone else. Yes...stupid.

Feeling exposed, hurt, sensitive, fragile and vulnerable but oddly numb at the same time. Feels like someone has his hand around my heart, squeezing it tightly then letting go. Letting go just long enough to think I'm all right then squeezing again. Toying with me. The pain comes and goes.

I make my life what it is. If I'm stuck in a rut, it's because I put myself there or at least, allowed someone to lead me there and push me in. I don't know. Like I said, I'm babbling. Lost and alone. Lonely. That's how I feel at this very moment. That's just how I feel.

I'm no damsel in distress, I can take care of myself and yet sometimes... sometimes I wish someone would save me for once.

Meeting for the First Time...

Always wondered what it would be like, meeting for the first time. For a long time I've waited for that day and then thought it would never come to be. Had finally accepted it. Was trying to move on. Then that day arrived, it caught me by surprise. Nervous, apprehensive, shaking and shy. Trying to hide how vulnerable I was. Saw you and everything melted away. Seemed like everything was as it should be. Everything was right in the world. I was content. To finally be able to hold you...something I can never explain. For a few short hours I was happy.

Morning came and you had to go. I had to say goodbye. No regrets. None whatsoever. Wanted more time but grateful for the little we had, for what we had shared. Burned in my memory, imprinted in my heart. Thank you for the memory, thank you for the moment. Be safe, be happy.

Time To Take Back My Life...

It suddenly dawned on me that I've become a bore. I used to be so much fun but now I'm as dull as a door knob. There was a time that my world centered on just a specific person (by choice) and lately my life is all about work. I do not regret the decisions I had made nor the path my life has taken but it's about time I take control. It's about time I make time for me. For fun. For spontaneity. For harmony and balance. To find my center. To start living life instead of just letting it pass me by without even a glance at its direction.

I made a pact with one of my best friends that we'll start taking control over our lives. Bring back the fun-loving selves we once were. Now is the time. Happiness waits for no one and we have to seize it while we still can. To grab it with both hands and hold on with all our might. To find the happiness we so richly deserve may it be in love, work or anything else in between. Now is the time. This is the moment. Time to embrace life once more.

Not Ready To Let Go...

Feelings of hurt and sadness still consumes me. Thoughts of you still runs through my head. Still wondering what went wrong. Why you left. Why you couldn't hold on. No longer hoping, no longer wishing. Dreams of a future I had planned long since died. Yet unable to let go. Unable or unready. Unready to let go of the love I so long craved for but never thought would have. Unready to let go of the person who meant the world to me. The only person I ever needed. The only one I ever loved.

The future is ahead of me, the past behind. Yet I'm still stuck in the present. My mourning, my sadness. Someday, I know, things will be better. I'll be able to move forward. Be ready to let go. Though, I know, there will be no one like you. No one who will be for me the way you were to me. My other half. My missing half. The likeness of me yet different. The one who makes me want to be the better version of myself. Yet I look forward to the day the memories no longer bring tears to my eyes. Nor the thought of the life I'll never have. Someday, I'll smile and laugh without feeling guilty. Someday, I'll open up and trust again. Someday, I'll be ready. But for now, I'm not ready to let go...

The Sleep That Never Ends

Tired.

Drained of all energy and emotion. Lost in conscious or subconscious thought. Numb from the pain the world has caused me, the pain I had caused and continue to inflict upon myself. The sun trying to break through the clouds but fail. Pulled from all directions. Sucked out of all the life. Diving into something that would consume me, eat me alive. Not caring. Not caring what comes ahead. Given up the hope, given up the fight. Acceptance of the future that lies ahead. Need no one. Stand alone. Life is as it should be.

Pray for sleep. Hope for sleep. Unending, peaceful sleep. The quiet of my thoughts. The quiet of my dreams. The end of the pain, the end of the sorrow. Swallowed by darkness, devoured by the night. Close my eyes and find tranquility. Uncaring of the future. Let go of the past. Trudging on. Sleep. Stillness. Serenity.

Tired.

Entry for February 25, 2007

Ha! Wasn't able to go out to dinner with my friends. We were all so tired and took a nap in the afternoon and woke up past 9 PM!! By the time we get ready it would be too late in the evening. (These are a bunch of women so of course they'll be taking their sweet time to get ready! Oh well, it's okay. We can always do it another time. My friend was disappointed though because she wanted to go out my birthday weekend. She's sweet and I tried to make her understand it was fine. So next time then.

But I still went out though. Two of my friends called me up telling me they were on their way to pick me up so we could go have coffee. Made me scramble coz those guys could be there any minute!! They are so sweet!! We went to Starbucks for coffee and P. Bear bought me a slice of chocolate cake to celebrate. He wanted to get a candle as well (Good thing they don't have any at Starbucks! Hahaha!!) These guys are the best. I miss hanging out with them. They're funny as hell! I'm always either one of the guys or their baby sister. I consider myself to be their mascot since I'm usually the only female there (Unless they brought dates or are trying to hook up with some chick! HAHAHA!) But nevertheless, they make sure I'm taken cared of. Protective bunch. No one can come near me. Which is very funny since I'm definitely not the youngest and I can whoop their ass if they piss me off! Hahaha!! I really miss hanging with them. Maybe I'll go see a movie with the P. Bear later. Who knows. I might have other plans as well. But it was great being able to hang out with my guy friends even for just coffee. Been hanging out with only my women friends for the past four months and it's making me wimpy! Need a guy's perspective on things. Besides, my guy friends don't care if I laugh too loud or act like a dork. I'm basically one of them. Oh geez, I cuss like a sailor as well!! Hahaha!!!

Fun few hours. We're seriously getting older. Conversation was mostly about work, responsibilities and some relationship stuff thrown in. Mostly work responsibilities, hahaha!! We're all headed somewhere and that's cool. Who would have thought I'd be that way! Aahh.. life is so funny.

Anyhoo, I feel like another nap. I plan to sleep a lot this weekend since I'm on leave from work. Some people still want to take me out this weekend so we'll see if I'm in the mood to hang. I need to recuperate for a bit before I dive in head first at work this week. Aah... a three-day leave is not enough. Oh well, there's always my one-week leave in April, hehehe!

The Interesting Things I Did On My Birthday

What did I do, you ask? After working almost 24 hours at the office, I came home and was met at the door by my dad greeting me "Happy birthday!" After all the hugs and kisses were over he casually informed me, "Oh, your great aunt just died." Oh, what fun!! Good thing I was too tired to do anything else than just stare at him and say, "Okay." Spent the best part of the morning watching Heroes on DVD and slept the afternoon away. Didn't really feel like celebrating. I just wanted to sleep. Just another day for me. No biggie.

At night, had dinner out with the family. It was cool. My sisters and brother were there, as well as my parents. Had some good food and laughed a bit but I was still feeling tired. After dinner spent four hours on the road just to go to the wake of my great aunt. So basically spent the rest of my birthday night on the road to see a dead relative. Eh, wasn't really that bad. Had a few laughs along the way. Took a nap in the car when we got there. Woke up and had breakfast and laughed at another great aunt (this one is alive). She's hilarious! Feisty little thing for a 70-something year old. They were all a hoot. Got in the car and drove another four hours home. Stopping along the way to buy food native to the area (My sister's idea. We just love to eat! Hahaha!)

Now I'm home. Still tired as hell and more than I was the day before. Just trying to chill a bit before I take a nap before I go out again in the evening. Some friends want to take me out to dinner. I really don't feel like going but they are all so excited to take me out on a birthday dinner and I don't have the heart to tell them I'd rather stay home and sleep. I seriously don't feel like celebrating. I just want to sleep.

Life is good and all. I am blessed with a lot of things. I just can't get over the date. The 23rd. Very poignant for me. The further away I can get from that date the better. The future holds much possibilities. Endless. I just don't feel like celebrating on my birthday. Not important. No big deal. I can look forward to the days ahead and I can celebrate those but not my birthday for something is missing. I accept that. It's just a day anyway. I'm rambling. Need sleep.

Thank you for those who remembered, especially the ones I haven't spoken to in a long time and those I never expected to have remembered. That means a lot more too me. Now I'll sleep and just worry about how I'm going to pretend that I'm enjoying myself later. I seriously am touched that my friends want to take me out and celebrate with me but I'd rather watch DVDs and sleep. Oh well, we'll see.

Birthday Blues - I Miss You

It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm still awake, finishing a rush file at home. Been woken up for the past two days by thoughts of you. Woke up crying. Never happened to me before. Never thought that was possible. Stress at work always makes me think of you I guess. Weird, huh? You were always the person I turned to when I felt like I couldn't deal with things. When I felt overwhelmed. Then I realized I don't have you anymore nor will I ever have you back. Dumb. Dumb! Dumb!! DUMB!!! I still can't stop hoping. It's not doing me any good. I need to get it through my thick head that it's over. That there's no turning back. It still hurts, no matter how hard I try to pretend it doesn't. No matter how hard I try to forget. I'm in a slump. I guess I'm tired. I dunno. People keep wanting to set me up with every "Great Guy" they know but I don't really feel up to it. I just feel worse whenever I think about it. I know it's crazy but I do. They're not you.

Ah crap! I wish I was over you. Maybe then I'd stop feeling like crap. Stop feeling like crying whenever anything reminds me of you. Stop waking up each day just to realize I will never be with you and all the hurt comes back. Pathetic, I know. Get out of this slump woman! He neither misses you nor does he ever think of you. He does not love you, he never did. The sooner you accept that, the better off you will be. But until that day comes, the day I can wake up and feel like things are as it should be, the day I'm finally ready to move on, I'll still miss you. I miss you.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Well, maybe just on cyber space. In the real world I still look like I have things in control. My emotions in check. A smile on my face. Dealing with the complexities of my new position at the office. Keeping a level head. Recently got promoted but couldn't be completely happy about it because I couldn't share the news with you. Had to stop myself from telling you. Don't really think you'd care anyway. Dunno why I keep making things hard on myself. I'm just probably nuts. It just really hurts so bad. Someday, oneday...

I miss you. Aah...the birthday blues.

Fun-filled Weekend!!

Okay, I promised myself that I'd start posting "happy" blogs here, besides my normal "gloom and doom" ones. Hey, my way of letting off steam so if you have a problem with that then TOUGH!!

Anyhoo, I had fun this weekend. Saturday (my one day off a week) my friend dragged me to meet her mom at one of the malls down South. She felt sorry for me coz I've never been there, hahaha!!! It was so funny coz I looked like a little kid, all wide-eyed and trying to take everything in all at once. Lots to see. Spent the whole afternoon with my friend and her mom at that mall. Ate a lot, as usual!! After that we went to have coffee at Rockwell. Did I tell you I only had an hour's sleep that day? HAHAHA!!! But I had a blast. Was pretty much wide awake. First time in months was I able to enjoy the whole day (since I work nights and I'm asleep when the sun is up ) Good times! Talked a lot over coffee. Funny how life throws you for a loop sometimes.

What else? Oh, Sunday I found out one of my closest friends from grade school was in town. The freakin turd was here 5 days before he found a way to find me!! And I just sent him an email 2 weeks ago!!!! Hahaha!! Well, he got a tongue lashing and a beating for that Funny, funny guy. Hey Lon, stop shoveling that load of crap of yours my way. That shit won't work on me. I KNOW YOU TOO WELL!!! Hahaha!!! Him, another friend of ours and I might meet up again this weekend but who knows. He's still deciding if he wants to take me with them since he won't have much success hitting on women with me around laughing at him constantly. We'll see how it goes and I'll fill you in on what moronic behavior we end up doing, hahaha!!

The End...The Beginning

The end of a certain stage in my life.

The end of a love I hoped was meant to last.

The silence of a dream, a wish, a hope.

The end of a future I dreamt was mine to have.

The end of tears and bitterness.

Never even had the chance.

A chance to know.

A chance to find out.

A chance to be with.

Going through a gamut of emotions.

Settling for peaceful numbness...someday.

The beginning of acceptance.

The beginning of healing.

The beginning of a new day.

The beginning of a new life...a new life alone.

Trudge forward, life goes on.

The sun will rise and set once again.

The world has not stopped revolving.

The beginning of a life without you.

Momentary Relapse...I hope.

Been doing okay for the past week after a month of being sort of lost. Was pretty much feeling better and ready to forge ahead and deal with the future. Things were looking up and it didn't feel fake to smile or laugh. Work was becoming enjoyable. Even welcomed the extra work. Friends were keeping me sane. Surrounded myself with positive energy. Was starting to view life in a positive way again. Then bam! Suddenly it hit me, out of nowhere. A relapse of some sort. Can hardly sleep again and have no appetite for food. I feel tired. Not good. Not much use at work if I get sick. I just want to sleep. Maybe for a week? But I can't sleep. Hopefully my sense of humor will kick in soon. Being lifeless doesn't suit me at all. So many things I'd like to write in this blog but I can't. Well, I can but it doesn't seem right. Well, I doubt anyone actually reads it so why not, right? I don't know. The end of a defunct chapter in my life. Can't possibly make it work if you're the only one working at it or you're the only one who really wants to make it work, right? Just talking to myself. I probably am psycho. Carry on a conversation with myself why don't I. Well, better than keeping things bottled up inside. I dunno. Misunderstood. I am misunderstood by the person I had hoped would understand me the most. I will always be the villain, no matter what I do. I will always be wrong, no matter how much I try. I will always be a little less than you hope or expect. I will never live up to your expectations. I will never be what you want nor need. The sooner I get that into my thick head, the better off I will be. Note to self: You are neither wanted, needed nor missed. Life goes on without you. It's not you. It's not all about you. How will you be understood if they don't want to understand? How will you be heard if they don't want to listen? How do you move on if you can't let go? Can't or won't? Have you ever wanted something bad but know you can't have it? Have you ever had something you wanted but only lose it in the end? Have you finally figured what you truly want in life, seriously, for the first time and with so much clarity, then find out it wasn't meant for you to have? Interesting thoughts. Yeah, sappy, cheesy, weak and pathetic. Take things slow. Baby steps. Things will get better. Life is full of infinite possibilities. Keep trying to get out of the funk you're in. Keep trudging forward. Someday you won't have to remind yourself constantly of these things. Call me stupid, call me crazy. Call me a shy short of a turnip. But I miss you. Would take me some time to stop missing you I guess. I'd much rather it would stop soon because it's taking it's toll one me. But, that's my problem. Aah...funny. I'm sure I'll laugh about this someday. Someday. I wish the sleeping meds would kick in soon. I wish I had a soda. Tomorrow is a new day. Onward and upward. I hope there's creamer at the office tonight. Instant coffee sucks. Oh well, better than no coffee. It's just a relapse. A very small, momentary relapse. Will all be better soon. Good, the meds are finally kicking in.

Bah, Humbug!

Christmas is usually a depressing time for me for some reason. As far as I could remember, it has always saddened me. I've always been stressed out about some thing or another and don't get to enjoy it much. Maybe that's why I don't think about the season as much as others do. I'd rather just tire myself out before, during and after. Try to enjoy it as much as I can or do something that would take my mind off it.

This year wasn't any better. I could even say it was worse. I was so hoping it would be different. I won't go into details because...because...I guess I just don't want to. All I can say is I spent the season sad and with a heavy heart. Thank God for friends...and booze. Not that I drank all that much and all that often. Nevertheless, it was good to keep my mind off things, even for just a bit. For a brief moment, I was able to forget what was going on in my life. Delude myself for a short period of time that I was fine. Aah...life!

A new year, a new life. That's all there is. Work is a welcome reprieve...for the most part. Work, family and a few friends, that's my life now. Just smile on the outside and pretend everything is fine. Try to look at the bright side. Just a bit cloudy though. I'll figure it out someday.

Bah, humbug! I'm such a Scrooge. Maybe next Christmas will be different. Where the hell is my shell when I need it?