Momentary Relapse...I hope.

Been doing okay for the past week after a month of being sort of lost. Was pretty much feeling better and ready to forge ahead and deal with the future. Things were looking up and it didn't feel fake to smile or laugh. Work was becoming enjoyable. Even welcomed the extra work. Friends were keeping me sane. Surrounded myself with positive energy. Was starting to view life in a positive way again. Then bam! Suddenly it hit me, out of nowhere. A relapse of some sort. Can hardly sleep again and have no appetite for food. I feel tired. Not good. Not much use at work if I get sick. I just want to sleep. Maybe for a week? But I can't sleep. Hopefully my sense of humor will kick in soon. Being lifeless doesn't suit me at all. So many things I'd like to write in this blog but I can't. Well, I can but it doesn't seem right. Well, I doubt anyone actually reads it so why not, right? I don't know. The end of a defunct chapter in my life. Can't possibly make it work if you're the only one working at it or you're the only one who really wants to make it work, right? Just talking to myself. I probably am psycho. Carry on a conversation with myself why don't I. Well, better than keeping things bottled up inside. I dunno. Misunderstood. I am misunderstood by the person I had hoped would understand me the most. I will always be the villain, no matter what I do. I will always be wrong, no matter how much I try. I will always be a little less than you hope or expect. I will never live up to your expectations. I will never be what you want nor need. The sooner I get that into my thick head, the better off I will be. Note to self: You are neither wanted, needed nor missed. Life goes on without you. It's not you. It's not all about you. How will you be understood if they don't want to understand? How will you be heard if they don't want to listen? How do you move on if you can't let go? Can't or won't? Have you ever wanted something bad but know you can't have it? Have you ever had something you wanted but only lose it in the end? Have you finally figured what you truly want in life, seriously, for the first time and with so much clarity, then find out it wasn't meant for you to have? Interesting thoughts. Yeah, sappy, cheesy, weak and pathetic. Take things slow. Baby steps. Things will get better. Life is full of infinite possibilities. Keep trying to get out of the funk you're in. Keep trudging forward. Someday you won't have to remind yourself constantly of these things. Call me stupid, call me crazy. Call me a shy short of a turnip. But I miss you. Would take me some time to stop missing you I guess. I'd much rather it would stop soon because it's taking it's toll one me. But, that's my problem. Aah...funny. I'm sure I'll laugh about this someday. Someday. I wish the sleeping meds would kick in soon. I wish I had a soda. Tomorrow is a new day. Onward and upward. I hope there's creamer at the office tonight. Instant coffee sucks. Oh well, better than no coffee. It's just a relapse. A very small, momentary relapse. Will all be better soon. Good, the meds are finally kicking in.