A Tribute to Our Little Bubu

It's been a year to the day when our Little Bubu left us and I thought I'd update the video I made last year to let him know, wherever he may be (doggie heaven I hope), that I still think of him and miss him and love him very much. No matter where life takes me or what the future may bring or how many other "babies" we have, you will always and forever be my "Little Bubu".

"You are my heart and my soul, my inspiration..." Love you Champy :(

Is Your Former Abusive Boss Going to Give You a Bad Reference? Here's How to Fix It

by the UndercoverLawyer

Worried about getting a bad reference from your previous employer?  Learn about what your rights are, what to ask, do and expect.  For full article go to http://dld.bz/ant7g

"Learn How To File an Unemployment Claim"

If you're in the US and need help on how to file for unemployment benefits, just go check out this video for great advice on how to do so and it's all for FREE!  You can also check out his website, the UndercoverLawyer for more employment legal issues.  It's chock full of advice on how to deal with bullying bosses, hostile workplaces, etc., just a wealth of information worth taking a look at.  I hope this helps you!  For full article go to http://dld.bz/antCD

Change in all of us...it ain't over yet!

Though the election results may suck, this shouldn't deter us from doing our part in changing things in our country. Yes, this may make it more difficult for us to get out of the humongous, preposterous rut we're in but as long as we all do our part (no matter how small), to fight for our country, to push forward, things will change. Even though movement may be slow and incremental, we are still doing something and it is still an improvement, rather than just sitting on our butts complaining and doing nothing. Remember, it doesn't take just one man to completely effect change but it will take all of us.

Though I may be frustrated half the time with how things are in this country (both in the government and the Filipino mentality) and yes, sometimes even embarrassed, I am and forever will be a Filipino. This is my country, these are my people so I'll be damned if I don't do what I can for it. We should all have that drive to make our country great. Leave the whining, the finger pointing and ridiculous behaviors to the politicians...it is unbecoming and pointless. Change is in our hands if we want it. Our country CAN be great, but it's up to ALL of us and not just politicians. Effecting change starts with each and everyone of us.

And another thing, if you voted for a candidate, they won & turned out to be crap, don't complain...YOU put them in office. I know I’m rambling…just my two cents.

Pain For a Friend

Heard some bad news about a friend yesterday which almost broke my heart.  I've been feeling that something was wrong for quite some time now but not even in my wildest imaginations that it was as bad as it is now for him.  He didn't have to say much but the little he said was like a knife through the heart.  I could feel his sadness and pain like it was my own.  I broke down and cried right in front of him...and I don't like people seeing me cry.  I felt so bad for him.  How could this happen to such a great guy?  I wanted to scream and kick and break something.  I was sad and mad at the same time.  Why the hell had this have to happen to one of the nicest people I've ever met?  Why do things like these happen to awesome, good hearted people while the wicked go around free without a care in the world?  It just doesn't seem fair.  WHY??  Then sanity dawns on me and I know that things happen for a reason.  That this will never defeat him and it's just the start to a new chapter in his life.  God has bigger and better plans for him.  And yet, I still can't stop feeling the pain.  I still cry when I think about what he's lost, what he's going through and feel helpless to help.  The pain is unbelievable.  I know that sounds strange especially because whatever is happening is not happening to me but to him but nevertheless I feel the way I do.  I can't explain it really.  It just hurts like crazy.  To see a friend in pain...to feel his pain, his sorrow.  To be honest, part of me would like to take his pain, absorb it so he doesn't have to feel it at all.  Maybe that's what I'm doing...transferring his pain unto me.  Maybe that's the only way I can help.  Wishful thinking perhaps?  Still seems that it just isn't right.  Why him?  Why now??  Damn the world we live in.  Damn those people who ruined him.  Damn you!  DAMN YOU!!!  The hate I feel for you is strong.  Hate...I shouldn't hate but can't help but feel hate.  Damn you, damn you, DAMN YOU!

I Am Grateful - Something Chirpy Perhaps?

Nothing really profound to say today, like I have anything profound to say on any day...LOL! Just thought I should put something down more lighthearted than my usual gloom and doom, geez I'm so depressed bullshit (pardon my French :P) Just wanted to write the things I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for my family, my reason for living. Need I say more? LOL! Well tough, I will. They cheer me up when I'm down, though they never can tell when I'm down. They make me laugh, they give me strength and I know no matter what shit I get into or how bad I get, they'll always be there, not behind me but beside me, to get me through it all. They'd beat the crap out of anyone who does me harm too :D.

Though we all have our own lives and do our own things, whenever we get together it's always the best. Most of the best times I've had in my adult life was time spent with them. I guess they are the thing in my life I'm most grateful for. I can freaking write a novel about how grateful I am for that. Well a novel may be an exaggeration but you get my drift. ;)

What else am I grateful for? I'm grateful for my job, though I'm utterly bored with it and need a break. I'm still glad I have one and which pays reasonably well. I'm grateful for a boss who thinks I kick ass and if he could clone me he would...hehehe. I'm grateful for the people who have faith in me, in my abilities and who think I'm extremely smart. Go figure but grateful nevertheless. Salves my wounded ego and broken spirit.

I'm grateful for the people who care about me, who truly care. Who treat me with respect, who would not lie to me (the big ones anyway that could ruin) or treat me like a fool. Who would not want to change me in any way, shape or form and accepts me for the dysfunctional and confusing person that I am. Who love me. Who have been there for me in more ways than one. You have saved me from myself.

I am grateful for the health I have, albeit not very good, I am still relatively healthy. I can still wake up everyday and do my work. I think that's a good thing. I am grateful for the few people I truly can call my friends. Our meetings may be few and far between but I know you are there and I feel the love. The bond that ties us are strong, which distance and time will never break. You are the people I trust irrevocably and unquestioningly. You will never stab me in the back but instead have it and I have yours.

Though there are some people I'd like to forget I've ever come to meet, I am grateful for the first and the second. You came into my life at times of immense sorrow and darkness. Made me laugh and eased the pain. Shown me great pleasure amidst the heartache. You shone the light to lead me the way. For that you both will always hold a special place in my heart.

I guess I'm grateful for a lot of things and I can keep on writing about them all, and someday I'll list every single one of them, but for now I think this will suffice. Just let it be known I am grateful for all the things that I have been blessed with, may it be people, pets (my puppy - love of my life), experiences, things both intangible and tangible. I am grateful. I am blessed, I am loved and those who want to screw it up or stab me in the back, fuck off. I don't need people like you. You are beneath me. If you insist, then get in line and show me what you've got. I'm much stronger than I look and I refuse to be beat by the likes of you.

I guess I'm grateful for the inner strength I have as well. :D

Just Me Being Me...

Sitting here thinking about stuff that doesn't make sense. Only knowing that I've been feeling down again. Seriously have no idea why though. Yes, things aren't going all that well in some aspects of my life, but some are okay. Just feeling depressed. Missing friends who accept me for who I am, friends I can trust undoubtedly. Tired of being lied to and made a fool of. Drained of all my energy and optimism. Feeling isolated and forgotten and yet preferring the solitude. I don't know anymore. What to do next? Nothing seems to go as planned anymore. Can't count on much anymore. People disappoint me. No point in investing emotion and trust anymore. Should be used to it by now but it still bothers me. It is what it is and we are what we are. Maybe I am screwed up more than I thought I was. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better about things...maybe. I hope I will be. Need something to cheer me up. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow something good will turn up. Maybe tomorrow I'll be happy. Until then, life goes on. I go on. The saga continues.

Tired of all the bullshit...

Why is it that some people just insist on dragging me into their bullshit? I mean, fine, it's one thing for me to want to be there for them, listening to them and trying to help them through whatever crap their going through, but it's another thing for them to keep dragging me in the middle of every possible drama to referee and then start turning on me for trying to be a friend to them. I dunno...I'm not making much sense. I'm just tired of listening to people who constantly run to me, wanting me to listen to every bit of bullshit in their fucked up world, asking me to fix it, wanting me to make them feel better but then lie to my face, stab me in the back and fill my head with crap that I don't know what's true anymore. I don't really know what I want to say. I'm just pissed off with some people right now. I just want them to leave me alone. If they want to screw up their own lives or make it more complicated then so be it. But for the love of God stop dragging me in to save you then leave me to drown on my own. Fucking tired of all the bullshit. Tired of people telling me stuff and then making me choose between them. Using me to prove who's lying when we all know they both are, including them. A real friend wouldn't put me in that position. I don't want to know what they do anymore. I don't want to hear about what goes on between the two of them or if they freaking banged each another or not. What goes on between the two of them is their own business and I'm happy not knowing because I've had it with their drama and their bullshit. Leave me out of it. I have had it with all the fucking lies, deciet and manipulation. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much. Stop screwing with my head. I'm tired of letting you. I have no idea what's happened to you, if you've changed or you've always been this way and I never really knew. Maybe I thought you were a friend but really you weren't. You've screwed up too many lives including my own and I'm tired of picking up the pieces for you and tired of letting you walk all over me. I'm taking a stand and taking responsibility. This is the last time you screw with me. I've had enough of your bullshit. Someone pull the knife out of my back.

Entry for March 16, 2009

Sitting here trying to focus on work with no success. Feeling restless and bored with work. I'm sick of it. Dunno what else to do though. Wish i was anywhere else but here right now. I want to scream and hit something. Listening to music while working hoping it'll keep me sane. Feel like throwing up.

I'm sick of everything. Sick of my life. Sick of the things around me. Sick of the same old shit day in, day out. But still don't know how to change it. Pissed off with myself for screwing up when I was younger. Regret some of the things I did that led me to where I am now. Should have done better when I was younger and maybe I would have more options than this. Maybe I'd be further along my way in life than stuck in this endless cycle of nothingness. Lots of maybes but thinking about it won't really do me any good but still can't help thinking about it.

I wish I was off traveling somewhere. Seeing old friends, meeting new people, experiencing new things, living life. Why does it all have to boil down to if one can afford it. Freaking pisses me off. If I could afford it I'd be off to God knows where doing whatever. I don't really care where or what. I just want to be anywhere but here. If I could afford it I'd be doing something else for work. I wouldn't have to worry too much about responsibilities since I knew I'd have it covered. If only it were so.

Rambling on and on and making no sense. Feel sick to my stomach. Need to relax but have no idea how. Nothing is as how I'd want it to be. Need to hang in there for a little bit longer. Holding on to the hope that things are going to be better soon. That this is just a phase that I seem to go through more frequently than before but somehow it'll end. Sick and tired of yesterday and today...can't wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow...everything will be better tomorrow.

Be Still My Beating Heart

be still my beating heart. silence the pain and the sorrow. wishing for something that will never be. hoping, always hoping though the truth is right in front of you. always trying to hold on to the belief that this is real, that it can work. turning a blind eye to the truth. you are not loved the way you hope to be or even at all. constantly having to prove that you are worthy of someone's love. trying to prove yourself but never believed to be true by the person whose opinion matters the most. have been measured and weighed from the get go and found lacking. fighting a losing battle. you'll never be enough.

be still my beating heart. find the peace in the stillness. hold one's breath in hope no more. face up to the truth if you can. but you must. you have to. someday. quiet the thoughts in your head. putting everyone's wants and needs ahead of your own. always trying to understand them, yet feeling guilty whenever you ask for what you need. til when will you keep fighting on your own? til when will you keep beating knowing that no one will fight for you back? bleed...bleed. that is what's best. feel the pain of a knife through the heart instead of the pain of a broken heart.

be still my beating heart, quiet like the night. shroud yourself in darkness so no one sees. curse the day for you're forced to wear the mask that everyone wants to see. the mask you show them to make them happy and believe that all is well in their busy little world. a world that only includes you when tis convenient. never burden them with your petty little pathetic life. welcome the darkness. welcome the quiet. for amidst the darkness and the quiet you let it be. let the tears finally fall and embrace your sorrow. let out your pain. you are alone and you always will be.

please be still my beating heart and bleed, for this is what's meant to be.

Scattered Thoughts...

Feeling like crap and don't know why. Confused as hell. Life doesn't seem to be working out the way I planned. Losing people. Keep losing people. Missing people. Regrets. Trying hard to stay the path I made for myself yet leaving room for detours. Not making much sense. When did I ever? Maybe I need to sleep more, maybe I need to drink less. Not happy...not happy about a lot of things again. Not up to the challenge of change and responsibilities. Want to be free. Free of things that weigh me down. Free of myself. Reaching out but grasping air. Nothing there. Inside my shell, looking out. Wondering why I have no control over my life. Being unreasonable. Feeling lost. Feel like breaking down but can't. I want to go...where, I have no idea. Just go...just leave. Just typing. Feeling lonely and yet, wanting to be alone. Isolation. Crap, not making any sense. Close to tears and don't know why. Maybe I do. I don't know. Lost...just lost. Wishing for the darkness...willing for the quiet. Praying for the end. Staring into space...can't make myself move. Existing. That's all there is. Want to scream, want to shout. Don't have the energy. The passion is gone. Feel dead inside. Smoke and drink to oblivion, but can't. Life goes on. The day comes anew. Bleeding...let me bleed. Ramblings. Incoherent thoughts. Scattered. Scared? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

My Letter to RP

wanted to write something for my blog but couldn't think of anything so i decided to email a friend instead. towards the end i realized it looked like something i'd post on my blog so what the heck. those who bother to read my blog basically know i put it out there anyway, my emotions. so if you want to comment on it, feel free. i'd be interested to know what people really think, even if i wouldn't like it. as for the person who this email is meant for, get back to me on it.

-------------------------------------

nothing. was tired of working so i was checking out my blog. was thinking about writing but felt tired and couldn't think of anything to write so i just read...and read...and read.

don't you find my posts depressing? i mean, is it just me or do people get depressed reading them? on the one hand i think most of what i wrote were pretty good, a bit eloquent even. Honest and open. No pretensions, just me being real. yet on the other hand it's depressing and/or full of crap. i dunno, what do u think?

i realized i couldn't read this one post without getting a little choked up. just that one post. it just seems so honest and real even for me. like my emotions where there for everyone to see. my vulnerability. it seemed like i couldn't get any more emotionally exposed than that. pretty short post but nevertheless...

maybe it's just me. maybe it just gets to me because in some way i still feel the way i did at the time i wrote it. maybe it's just because it means or meant something to me. maybe in time i won't feel the same way about it as i do now. maybe i'd even feel stupid putting it up there. maybe i'm being too introspective. maybe i think too much, feel too much. maybe. i dunno. lots of maybes. oh, well. someday...just someday.

i'll talk to you soon.

Entry for June 10, 2007

Went shopping today. Was supposed to get something to wear for work but I couldn't find what I liked so bought something else. Bought a couple of short skirts, shirts, blouse and a tanktop. Fun, fun, fun!!

I got my ear pierced today as well. Yes, I said ear. Just one. Pretty awesome but I'm sure it's going to hurt like hell in the morning. Have no idea how I'm going to work with this thing throbbing in my ear since I wear a headset all day everyday, hahaha!! But hell, it was well worth it. Next thing... a tat!

Wanderlust...

Do you ever have those days that you feel antsy and don't know what to do? Like you're itching to do something else or be somewhere else but don't know what or where? That's how I feel now. The job I once enjoyed and took comfort in now seems to suffocate and bore the hell out of me. The people that I look forward to seeing everyday now bug the hell out of me. I want to do something else but don't know what, want to be someplace else but don't know where. Confused as hell and don't know what to do about it. All I know is I'd love nothing more than to be anyplace else but where I am right now. I need a change, something new. Something completely different and out of the norm. New surroundings, new people. A place where no one knows me or anything about me. Start fresh. Be able to leave all the excess baggage behind.

I know, seems like a cop out. Like I'm trying to escape from the life I'm living. But isn't that sometimes for the best? Besides, I don't seem to be living my life anyway. Hiding behind work, behind friends, behind... stuff. I want to leave. Just leave. When you think about it, I really don't have anything or anyone tying me down. Family and friends I have lots of here, yes, but they all have their own lives so it wouldn't really make much of a difference if I stay or go. I have nothing of my own. I feel misplaced. Feel out of sorts and lost. Even around family and friends I feel out of place. The odd man (or woman as the case may be) out.

If I had the money I'd just get up and go. The destination doesn't really matter, anywhere is fine. I guess that's the only thing that's keeping me from going. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear of needing to rely on someone else. Oh, I digress. In my mind I am.

I have nothing for me here nor do I have anything for me anywhere else. I just want to go.

Yes, I WOULD like some cheese with my whine. Yes... I digress.

Ramblings...

Tired of the things around me. Tired of the work I've been doing. Tired of the life that I find myself in. Tired of the pain that seems to ebb and flow. The ups and downs, the drama and the sorrow. Tired of the rut I keep getting into.

Exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained of all energy. Nothing seems to excite me. Nothing seems to be worthwhile. Trying to look forward to the future yet foresee nothing. Trying to figure out what I want and where I'd like to be but keep drawing a blank. Confusion. Frustration. Despair. Lonely. Alone. Accepting all of these yet mustn't. Have to strive forward, have to look ahead. Change is good, isolation is bad. Isolation, peace and quiet. Detachment. Let go.

Work doesn't do anything for me now. Once a source of strength and focus. A means to forget. A means of escape. Now I feel stifled. I'm suffocating. I can no longer breathe. My life is nowhere I would like it to be and yet have no idea where it should be or at least, where I'd like it to be. I used to know but that was a pipe dream. Something best left in the past. Big words for someone who still can't seem to let go of it. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'm being stupid. Some days I think I have but then again...

As usual, making no sense. Just trying to purge whatever is festering inside me. For a smart woman I can be very stupid at times. Probably was a jackass of a guy in my past life and now I'm paying for my sins. An insensitive, emotionless, user of a prick that now has to atone for his sins from a past life. Interesting theory. Seems plausible though.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of the thoughts that never seem to cease. The pain in my heart. Exhausted of carrying the weight of other people's problems around my shoulders. Trying to break free but get sucked back in again and again. Surrounded by people who demand so much of me yet give little or nothing in return. Expected to bear it all with a smile on my face. My feelings don't matter. What I think doesn't matter. That I'm in pain doesn't matter. That I'm tired doesn't matter. If I break down and crumble, I'm expected to pull myself together. I have no business being weak. I have no right to be emotional. I have no right to expect and demand love, respect and a little caring.

Emotional tirade. Ups and downs. I probably am bi-polar. Hurt and anger suppressed for so long bubbling to the surface and yet I keep quiet. Still trying to keep it in. Not wanting to make waves. Not wanting to offend. Not wanting to make it difficult and uncomfortable for anyone else. Yes...stupid.

Feeling exposed, hurt, sensitive, fragile and vulnerable but oddly numb at the same time. Feels like someone has his hand around my heart, squeezing it tightly then letting go. Letting go just long enough to think I'm all right then squeezing again. Toying with me. The pain comes and goes.

I make my life what it is. If I'm stuck in a rut, it's because I put myself there or at least, allowed someone to lead me there and push me in. I don't know. Like I said, I'm babbling. Lost and alone. Lonely. That's how I feel at this very moment. That's just how I feel.

I'm no damsel in distress, I can take care of myself and yet sometimes... sometimes I wish someone would save me for once.

Meeting for the First Time...

Always wondered what it would be like, meeting for the first time. For a long time I've waited for that day and then thought it would never come to be. Had finally accepted it. Was trying to move on. Then that day arrived, it caught me by surprise. Nervous, apprehensive, shaking and shy. Trying to hide how vulnerable I was. Saw you and everything melted away. Seemed like everything was as it should be. Everything was right in the world. I was content. To finally be able to hold you...something I can never explain. For a few short hours I was happy.

Morning came and you had to go. I had to say goodbye. No regrets. None whatsoever. Wanted more time but grateful for the little we had, for what we had shared. Burned in my memory, imprinted in my heart. Thank you for the memory, thank you for the moment. Be safe, be happy.

Time To Take Back My Life...

It suddenly dawned on me that I've become a bore. I used to be so much fun but now I'm as dull as a door knob. There was a time that my world centered on just a specific person (by choice) and lately my life is all about work. I do not regret the decisions I had made nor the path my life has taken but it's about time I take control. It's about time I make time for me. For fun. For spontaneity. For harmony and balance. To find my center. To start living life instead of just letting it pass me by without even a glance at its direction.

I made a pact with one of my best friends that we'll start taking control over our lives. Bring back the fun-loving selves we once were. Now is the time. Happiness waits for no one and we have to seize it while we still can. To grab it with both hands and hold on with all our might. To find the happiness we so richly deserve may it be in love, work or anything else in between. Now is the time. This is the moment. Time to embrace life once more.

Not Ready To Let Go...

Feelings of hurt and sadness still consumes me. Thoughts of you still runs through my head. Still wondering what went wrong. Why you left. Why you couldn't hold on. No longer hoping, no longer wishing. Dreams of a future I had planned long since died. Yet unable to let go. Unable or unready. Unready to let go of the love I so long craved for but never thought would have. Unready to let go of the person who meant the world to me. The only person I ever needed. The only one I ever loved.

The future is ahead of me, the past behind. Yet I'm still stuck in the present. My mourning, my sadness. Someday, I know, things will be better. I'll be able to move forward. Be ready to let go. Though, I know, there will be no one like you. No one who will be for me the way you were to me. My other half. My missing half. The likeness of me yet different. The one who makes me want to be the better version of myself. Yet I look forward to the day the memories no longer bring tears to my eyes. Nor the thought of the life I'll never have. Someday, I'll smile and laugh without feeling guilty. Someday, I'll open up and trust again. Someday, I'll be ready. But for now, I'm not ready to let go...

The Sleep That Never Ends

Tired.

Drained of all energy and emotion. Lost in conscious or subconscious thought. Numb from the pain the world has caused me, the pain I had caused and continue to inflict upon myself. The sun trying to break through the clouds but fail. Pulled from all directions. Sucked out of all the life. Diving into something that would consume me, eat me alive. Not caring. Not caring what comes ahead. Given up the hope, given up the fight. Acceptance of the future that lies ahead. Need no one. Stand alone. Life is as it should be.

Pray for sleep. Hope for sleep. Unending, peaceful sleep. The quiet of my thoughts. The quiet of my dreams. The end of the pain, the end of the sorrow. Swallowed by darkness, devoured by the night. Close my eyes and find tranquility. Uncaring of the future. Let go of the past. Trudging on. Sleep. Stillness. Serenity.

Tired.

Entry for February 25, 2007

Ha! Wasn't able to go out to dinner with my friends. We were all so tired and took a nap in the afternoon and woke up past 9 PM!! By the time we get ready it would be too late in the evening. (These are a bunch of women so of course they'll be taking their sweet time to get ready! Oh well, it's okay. We can always do it another time. My friend was disappointed though because she wanted to go out my birthday weekend. She's sweet and I tried to make her understand it was fine. So next time then.

But I still went out though. Two of my friends called me up telling me they were on their way to pick me up so we could go have coffee. Made me scramble coz those guys could be there any minute!! They are so sweet!! We went to Starbucks for coffee and P. Bear bought me a slice of chocolate cake to celebrate. He wanted to get a candle as well (Good thing they don't have any at Starbucks! Hahaha!!) These guys are the best. I miss hanging out with them. They're funny as hell! I'm always either one of the guys or their baby sister. I consider myself to be their mascot since I'm usually the only female there (Unless they brought dates or are trying to hook up with some chick! HAHAHA!) But nevertheless, they make sure I'm taken cared of. Protective bunch. No one can come near me. Which is very funny since I'm definitely not the youngest and I can whoop their ass if they piss me off! Hahaha!! I really miss hanging with them. Maybe I'll go see a movie with the P. Bear later. Who knows. I might have other plans as well. But it was great being able to hang out with my guy friends even for just coffee. Been hanging out with only my women friends for the past four months and it's making me wimpy! Need a guy's perspective on things. Besides, my guy friends don't care if I laugh too loud or act like a dork. I'm basically one of them. Oh geez, I cuss like a sailor as well!! Hahaha!!!

Fun few hours. We're seriously getting older. Conversation was mostly about work, responsibilities and some relationship stuff thrown in. Mostly work responsibilities, hahaha!! We're all headed somewhere and that's cool. Who would have thought I'd be that way! Aahh.. life is so funny.

Anyhoo, I feel like another nap. I plan to sleep a lot this weekend since I'm on leave from work. Some people still want to take me out this weekend so we'll see if I'm in the mood to hang. I need to recuperate for a bit before I dive in head first at work this week. Aah... a three-day leave is not enough. Oh well, there's always my one-week leave in April, hehehe!

The Interesting Things I Did On My Birthday

What did I do, you ask? After working almost 24 hours at the office, I came home and was met at the door by my dad greeting me "Happy birthday!" After all the hugs and kisses were over he casually informed me, "Oh, your great aunt just died." Oh, what fun!! Good thing I was too tired to do anything else than just stare at him and say, "Okay." Spent the best part of the morning watching Heroes on DVD and slept the afternoon away. Didn't really feel like celebrating. I just wanted to sleep. Just another day for me. No biggie.

At night, had dinner out with the family. It was cool. My sisters and brother were there, as well as my parents. Had some good food and laughed a bit but I was still feeling tired. After dinner spent four hours on the road just to go to the wake of my great aunt. So basically spent the rest of my birthday night on the road to see a dead relative. Eh, wasn't really that bad. Had a few laughs along the way. Took a nap in the car when we got there. Woke up and had breakfast and laughed at another great aunt (this one is alive). She's hilarious! Feisty little thing for a 70-something year old. They were all a hoot. Got in the car and drove another four hours home. Stopping along the way to buy food native to the area (My sister's idea. We just love to eat! Hahaha!)

Now I'm home. Still tired as hell and more than I was the day before. Just trying to chill a bit before I take a nap before I go out again in the evening. Some friends want to take me out to dinner. I really don't feel like going but they are all so excited to take me out on a birthday dinner and I don't have the heart to tell them I'd rather stay home and sleep. I seriously don't feel like celebrating. I just want to sleep.

Life is good and all. I am blessed with a lot of things. I just can't get over the date. The 23rd. Very poignant for me. The further away I can get from that date the better. The future holds much possibilities. Endless. I just don't feel like celebrating on my birthday. Not important. No big deal. I can look forward to the days ahead and I can celebrate those but not my birthday for something is missing. I accept that. It's just a day anyway. I'm rambling. Need sleep.

Thank you for those who remembered, especially the ones I haven't spoken to in a long time and those I never expected to have remembered. That means a lot more too me. Now I'll sleep and just worry about how I'm going to pretend that I'm enjoying myself later. I seriously am touched that my friends want to take me out and celebrate with me but I'd rather watch DVDs and sleep. Oh well, we'll see.

Birthday Blues - I Miss You

It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm still awake, finishing a rush file at home. Been woken up for the past two days by thoughts of you. Woke up crying. Never happened to me before. Never thought that was possible. Stress at work always makes me think of you I guess. Weird, huh? You were always the person I turned to when I felt like I couldn't deal with things. When I felt overwhelmed. Then I realized I don't have you anymore nor will I ever have you back. Dumb. Dumb! Dumb!! DUMB!!! I still can't stop hoping. It's not doing me any good. I need to get it through my thick head that it's over. That there's no turning back. It still hurts, no matter how hard I try to pretend it doesn't. No matter how hard I try to forget. I'm in a slump. I guess I'm tired. I dunno. People keep wanting to set me up with every "Great Guy" they know but I don't really feel up to it. I just feel worse whenever I think about it. I know it's crazy but I do. They're not you.

Ah crap! I wish I was over you. Maybe then I'd stop feeling like crap. Stop feeling like crying whenever anything reminds me of you. Stop waking up each day just to realize I will never be with you and all the hurt comes back. Pathetic, I know. Get out of this slump woman! He neither misses you nor does he ever think of you. He does not love you, he never did. The sooner you accept that, the better off you will be. But until that day comes, the day I can wake up and feel like things are as it should be, the day I'm finally ready to move on, I'll still miss you. I miss you.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Well, maybe just on cyber space. In the real world I still look like I have things in control. My emotions in check. A smile on my face. Dealing with the complexities of my new position at the office. Keeping a level head. Recently got promoted but couldn't be completely happy about it because I couldn't share the news with you. Had to stop myself from telling you. Don't really think you'd care anyway. Dunno why I keep making things hard on myself. I'm just probably nuts. It just really hurts so bad. Someday, oneday...

I miss you. Aah...the birthday blues.

Fun-filled Weekend!!

Okay, I promised myself that I'd start posting "happy" blogs here, besides my normal "gloom and doom" ones. Hey, my way of letting off steam so if you have a problem with that then TOUGH!!

Anyhoo, I had fun this weekend. Saturday (my one day off a week) my friend dragged me to meet her mom at one of the malls down South. She felt sorry for me coz I've never been there, hahaha!!! It was so funny coz I looked like a little kid, all wide-eyed and trying to take everything in all at once. Lots to see. Spent the whole afternoon with my friend and her mom at that mall. Ate a lot, as usual!! After that we went to have coffee at Rockwell. Did I tell you I only had an hour's sleep that day? HAHAHA!!! But I had a blast. Was pretty much wide awake. First time in months was I able to enjoy the whole day (since I work nights and I'm asleep when the sun is up ) Good times! Talked a lot over coffee. Funny how life throws you for a loop sometimes.

What else? Oh, Sunday I found out one of my closest friends from grade school was in town. The freakin turd was here 5 days before he found a way to find me!! And I just sent him an email 2 weeks ago!!!! Hahaha!! Well, he got a tongue lashing and a beating for that Funny, funny guy. Hey Lon, stop shoveling that load of crap of yours my way. That shit won't work on me. I KNOW YOU TOO WELL!!! Hahaha!!! Him, another friend of ours and I might meet up again this weekend but who knows. He's still deciding if he wants to take me with them since he won't have much success hitting on women with me around laughing at him constantly. We'll see how it goes and I'll fill you in on what moronic behavior we end up doing, hahaha!!

The End...The Beginning

The end of a certain stage in my life.

The end of a love I hoped was meant to last.

The silence of a dream, a wish, a hope.

The end of a future I dreamt was mine to have.

The end of tears and bitterness.

Never even had the chance.

A chance to know.

A chance to find out.

A chance to be with.

Going through a gamut of emotions.

Settling for peaceful numbness...someday.

The beginning of acceptance.

The beginning of healing.

The beginning of a new day.

The beginning of a new life...a new life alone.

Trudge forward, life goes on.

The sun will rise and set once again.

The world has not stopped revolving.

The beginning of a life without you.

Momentary Relapse...I hope.

Been doing okay for the past week after a month of being sort of lost. Was pretty much feeling better and ready to forge ahead and deal with the future. Things were looking up and it didn't feel fake to smile or laugh. Work was becoming enjoyable. Even welcomed the extra work. Friends were keeping me sane. Surrounded myself with positive energy. Was starting to view life in a positive way again. Then bam! Suddenly it hit me, out of nowhere. A relapse of some sort. Can hardly sleep again and have no appetite for food. I feel tired. Not good. Not much use at work if I get sick. I just want to sleep. Maybe for a week? But I can't sleep. Hopefully my sense of humor will kick in soon. Being lifeless doesn't suit me at all. So many things I'd like to write in this blog but I can't. Well, I can but it doesn't seem right. Well, I doubt anyone actually reads it so why not, right? I don't know. The end of a defunct chapter in my life. Can't possibly make it work if you're the only one working at it or you're the only one who really wants to make it work, right? Just talking to myself. I probably am psycho. Carry on a conversation with myself why don't I. Well, better than keeping things bottled up inside. I dunno. Misunderstood. I am misunderstood by the person I had hoped would understand me the most. I will always be the villain, no matter what I do. I will always be wrong, no matter how much I try. I will always be a little less than you hope or expect. I will never live up to your expectations. I will never be what you want nor need. The sooner I get that into my thick head, the better off I will be. Note to self: You are neither wanted, needed nor missed. Life goes on without you. It's not you. It's not all about you. How will you be understood if they don't want to understand? How will you be heard if they don't want to listen? How do you move on if you can't let go? Can't or won't? Have you ever wanted something bad but know you can't have it? Have you ever had something you wanted but only lose it in the end? Have you finally figured what you truly want in life, seriously, for the first time and with so much clarity, then find out it wasn't meant for you to have? Interesting thoughts. Yeah, sappy, cheesy, weak and pathetic. Take things slow. Baby steps. Things will get better. Life is full of infinite possibilities. Keep trying to get out of the funk you're in. Keep trudging forward. Someday you won't have to remind yourself constantly of these things. Call me stupid, call me crazy. Call me a shy short of a turnip. But I miss you. Would take me some time to stop missing you I guess. I'd much rather it would stop soon because it's taking it's toll one me. But, that's my problem. Aah...funny. I'm sure I'll laugh about this someday. Someday. I wish the sleeping meds would kick in soon. I wish I had a soda. Tomorrow is a new day. Onward and upward. I hope there's creamer at the office tonight. Instant coffee sucks. Oh well, better than no coffee. It's just a relapse. A very small, momentary relapse. Will all be better soon. Good, the meds are finally kicking in.

Bah, Humbug!

Christmas is usually a depressing time for me for some reason. As far as I could remember, it has always saddened me. I've always been stressed out about some thing or another and don't get to enjoy it much. Maybe that's why I don't think about the season as much as others do. I'd rather just tire myself out before, during and after. Try to enjoy it as much as I can or do something that would take my mind off it.

This year wasn't any better. I could even say it was worse. I was so hoping it would be different. I won't go into details because...because...I guess I just don't want to. All I can say is I spent the season sad and with a heavy heart. Thank God for friends...and booze. Not that I drank all that much and all that often. Nevertheless, it was good to keep my mind off things, even for just a bit. For a brief moment, I was able to forget what was going on in my life. Delude myself for a short period of time that I was fine. Aah...life!

A new year, a new life. That's all there is. Work is a welcome reprieve...for the most part. Work, family and a few friends, that's my life now. Just smile on the outside and pretend everything is fine. Try to look at the bright side. Just a bit cloudy though. I'll figure it out someday.

Bah, humbug! I'm such a Scrooge. Maybe next Christmas will be different. Where the hell is my shell when I need it?

Entry for December 16, 2006

You know those days when you're totally stressed out and at wit's end, that all you want is for the person you love to just put their arms around you and tell you, "Everything is going to be okay" or "I'm here for you" or "Hang in there, you can do it" or a simple "I love you." Those days that you need to feel loved, babied, made to feel special and all that stuff? I'm pretty much a strong person and I can go at it alone (I have done so for most of my life) but there are just days that you want to feel like someone is looking out for you. That they're willing to take care of you. That they want to. Like no matter how busy both your lives get they'd still make a point to spend time with you. That in your hour of need (well, sort of) they'll be there? Is that too much to ask when you rarely ask for anything at all? I guess it is. Keep forgetting the world does not work that way.

It's weird that sometimes when that happens someone comes along and does all the things you hope the one your with would do for you. Say all the right things, be so sweet and caring but you can't really appreciate it because it's not coming from the person you want or need it to come from most. Friends or other people don't cut it. It doesn't feel the same nor does it work the same than coming from the person you love. I guess it's just one of those days that you're all drained out, you just want to go to sleep and just let everything go. To sleep and not think and wake up after a week and go with it from there.

Aah... me and my ramblings. Things I do or think about early in the morning without work to keep you occupied.

Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can, the courage to change the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.

Everything is work

Work, work, work. Everything is work, work, work. Every aspect of life is work, work, work. Damn work. I wonder if McDonald's is open.

Good Friends

Went to church today (yes, I do go to church) and sing with the choir (YES! I am in a choir!!). Felt the urge to serve and be with friends. I'm glad I did. I forgot how much fun it is and how great my friends are. Haven't been with them for quite sometime now and it was nice being around the people you love.

After the mass I did some catching up with some friends. Some had bad news. She was happy to see me. She was surprised I came. It made her feel better to see me. I was wondering why I had a very strong urge to go this morning when I usually just go at night and not serve in the choir. I guess I needed to be there for her. God wanted me to.

It was good to reconnect with my old friends. Nice to have spent some time with them. I guess not seeing each other for a long time made us appreciate on another more. I should see them more often.

Venting

I wish I had a punching bag to let out all this unhealthy energy. All this rage. So pissed off I'm actually shaking. For what reason I have no idea. Not happy about anything at the moment and I know my behavior is neither fair nor reasonable but I can't help feeling it. I feel bad that I am letting it out on some people especially those I care about. I know that they have a lot of things they have to deal with themselves and they shouldn't be weighed down by my troubles, but for some reason, them not caring nor even bother trying to understand or make me feel better pisses me off even more. To them I'm just being psychotic and not worth even dealing with and that hurts too. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with but would it kill you to show you care about my feelings once in a while and not treat me like some kind of idiot??

Yeah, probably I'm going crazy. A self absorbed, selfish, neurotic, narcissistic little bitch! But at the moment I don't really care. At the moment I'm tired of being the one who always understands and gives in. The one who makes the effort to smooth things over and apologizes. The one who tries to make you feel good and worries about your feelings. I know I was never asked to do this and it was my choice so I should just accept the fact that I won't get the same courtesy in return nor should I expect it. But I'm only human and I hope for the same treatment from the people I care about most. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!!

Sometimes I just wonder what I really mean to them. If my feelings even matter. Because right now it seems that it isn't worth squat! Sometimes I just want to feel that they care. That even though they can't really do anything for me and can't fix what's wrong, that they'd at least try to make me feel like they're there for me and not just dismiss me like I'm a child throwing a hissy fit (I know I'm acting like one right now but I can't help it). Not to be ignored. Like how I feel isn't of importance. That my presence or lack of it holds little bearing in their lives. Is it so wrong for a person to want to be made to feel like you are important once in a while? That you matter. That you are needed. That if you leave it will have an effect on them. I was told that some people are just the way they are and they would never change but if you really loved someone you'd want to show them that they matter and want to make them feel better when they're not or at least try. It's not changing who you are but just wanting to show you care. Very idealistic, I know. Sounds like such a girl thing to say but as I last checked, I am one. So to hell what people might think about this blog. I probably will regret this when I've cooled down (I already feel guilty about my recent words and actions but I can't seem to stop) . Regret being a brat and being unreasonable but at the moment I don't care. I'm hurt, I'm mad and I feel very, very unappreciated.

This is me venting, whining, complaining or whatever you would like to think. Yeah, crazy, self-absorbed, selfish, narcissistic little bitch. I wish I had a punching bag.

I Am What I Hate

In one's lifetime you will always meet at least one person you will not like. Find something about them that rubs you the wrong way or idea/ideals/behaviors you do not agree with. You bitch, you moan, you complain about it then you realize, you are the same way. You realize that some of the things you do or say are the things you do not want done or said to you. So you spend years trying to better yourself. Trying not to be THAT person. You believe you want to treat people the way you want yourself to be treated. To be fair and just. So you work hard to do so. But you still screw up. You still fail at times and become that same person you've tried desperately not to be like. You end up being the person you hate.

At first you try to hide that from people. Hide the dark side of you. Hide the ugliness. Ashamed of it. Afraid of how people would react. Afraid to be left behind. Then you try to be honest about it. To let people know you might have a problem. Open up and be honest in hope that, though they may think it wrong and do not understand, would try not to judge you. Would at least give you the benefit of the doubt that you do want to change and have been trying to do so. Would be supportive and encouraging that you can change. Hoping to make your relationship stronger and maybe help you get pass it all. But I think that's too much to ask from anyone. I guess it wouldn't be fair to expect it. Too much of a burden to put on a person. I guess some people really will never change.

I understand. I see their point and for the most part I agree with it. I am what I hate. No point denying it. I'll still go on, trying to work through my issues and learn to deal with them and try to be a better person. But, people around me, be forewarned. You may not like me if you really get to know me and I cannot change that. All I can change or try to change are the things I think is wrong with me or the things I think that can make me be a better person. But I am only human and I will screw up at times. If you don't like me for who I am or what you learn about me in the future I will understand if you would wish to leave me. I will be hurt but I will understand. You are in no obligation to live with what is wrong with me or accept me for who I am after all. That is YOUR right. All I can do now is be honest about who I am and not pretend to be someone you would like to be with. I wouldn't do any of us any good if I did because the truth will always come out and you'll always have to deal with the ugly side of me. The thing you too would hate about me.

This is my way of letting you know I am screwed up. Isolating myself is sometimes the best thing I can do for everyone.

Boredom

Aaahh... sitting here in my chair, staring at the monitor. Abstract thoughts, floating in and out of my mind. Nothing real. Nothing concrete. Feeling baffled about something I neither know nor understand. No rhyme nor reason. Not knowing what nor why. Just sitting here, typing. Typing of things that do not make sense. Just typing. Typing anything that comes into mind. Type, type, type. Don't really feel like arguing either. Eh? Too lazy to sleep. Hmmm... peaceful. Reading and re-reading anything and everything. Nothing going on with me or around me. Just here, sitting. Staring into space. Not minding being alone. Aaahh... sleep fast approaching. Glad you're finally here. At least I think you're here. Oh well... back to mussing over incoherent thoughts. Sweet dreams. Blissful dreams.

My Catharsis

scrap, tidbit, bit, speck, spot, small piece, fragment, iota, wisp, particle, crumb, morsel, leftover, shadow of once self, bottom of the barrel, secondhand, charity, hand-me-downs.
sorrow, sadness, tears, distress, hurt, trouble, unhappiness, heartache, misery, depression, wretchedness, melancholy, gloom, despondency, desolation, dejection, woe, bereavement.
sitting by one's self wishing for peace. for quiet. for oblivion. surrounded by people yet alone. talking yet unable to say the words. tolerated but not heard. heard but not understood. love almost within one's reach... almost but not quite. hiding behind ones smile. illusion. delusion. masquerade. facade. not being good enough. not being enough.
silence. contentment. acceptance... meek acceptance.

Wedding Bliss

I went to two of my friends' wedding the other night. It was an awesome event. They looked so happy. They've been together for 11 years and have now finally tied the not. They look awesome together and are really meant for each other. Even though I was sick and felt like not going I'm glad I did. The whole affair was filled with both laughter and tears. The guy is a riot and the girl is ubber sweet. They're two awesome people and I can't be happier for them. I wish them all the best in life.

The one who got away...

Have you ever loved someone but end up losing them anyway? Ever find the love of your life only to find out that you weren't meant to be? I know this guy who I truly believe has met the love of his life only to get his heart broken by her in the end. Do you think he'll ever fall in love again and if he does would he love the next one as much? Would he find someone better or just give the next person a shadow of the love he gave the one who got away? I've met a couple of people who went through the same predicament. Some were lucky enough to find love again which turned out to be better than the one they thought were the love of their lives. That going through all that heartache was just a means for them to find it. Unfortunately, for others, they never get over their first love or the one who got away. The true love of their life. They end up settling for the next best thing. Learning to live day after day knowing that somewhere out there is the love that they wished they had but know wasn't meant to be. Trying to get through life knowing all this and giving as much love as they can to the person they finally end up with but end up not giving them much at all. Some even delude themselves into thinking that the one they're with are the love of their lives. That they've finally moved on but deep inside they never had and perhaps never will. It's sad actually. I don't know who has it worse. The person settling or the person they're settling for. What if they knew they were just second best? How would that make them feel? Some would be happy to have that person anyway they can. Believing that their love would be enough. Some would feel forever insecure and inferior. Some are just blissfully ignorant and go on believing that they are meant to be with and where they are. As for me, love is difficult enough without knowing you're just second best. Delusion can only take you so far. Sooner or later you'll figure out that your love IS NOT enough and it's for you to decide if you can settle for the love the other person is able to give you or are you willing to risk it all and try to find someone who can love you as much (or more) as you love them. Makes me think about this line from a song... "Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love?" All I can say for the person on the other end... will you be content being just second best? Is your love alone strong enough to see you through? Something else to ponder on. I wish us all the luck in love.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

An expression oddly familiar but a bit out of place. What does it really mean? Does it mean you're waiting for something bad to happen after something good just did? Or is it waiting for something worse to happen after something bad? A Pessimist's way of thinking. Maybe I'm completely mistaken and it doesn't mean either? No, I don't have too much time on my hands that it has driven me to ponder mundane things. Just something that has crossed my mind. A means of escape. To concentrate on something so mundane helps to forget what you're really supposed to be facing and don't want to. To forget all the hurt, pain and confusion you feel inside. Even for just a brief moment, to be under the illusion of being free. Call me a coward, call me a weakling if you want. Right now all I want to do is not to care. Not to feel a thing. I wish for numbness. Think and say what you wish. I need peace. I need to gain back the energy I have lost (just by being who I am) and that I myself let be drained out of me by people. Let me deal with all of you when I get my strength back. Maybe I need psychological help. Maybe I need meds. A strong probability to both. But for now all I can say is screw you. Why? Just because I want. Sorry, I don't really like anything and anyone much right now. No matter what you say or do. I just want to be left alone. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my "perky" self. Ready to face life's challenges and disappointments. Ready do deal with other peoples problems and be the strong individual they expect me to be. Ready to be happy again (or at least let ppl think I am). But as for now just leave me alone. I wouldn't want to bite your head off and I'm afraid I will if you get too close. Like they say, misery loves company so keep away. No one deserves that from me. So let me wallow in the comfort of my own sorrow. Let me have my space. Let me have my peace, even though it is a false sense of peace. Let me neither feel nor think of anything. Give me silence. Grant me sleep. Sleep... never ending sleep. I'll be fine. Give me a couple of days. Probably a week. A shrink would be nice. Some meds would be better. Ask me again in a couple of days. I'm just not thinking straight at the moment. Or maybe I haven't been more clear about things than this very moment? Who knows. I'm just sleepy. Just leave me be. I'll live. Just another day in my life. Another thing i have to deal with on my own. Sleep... to sleep a dreamless sleep. Quiet. Numb.

A Bum Once More

Okay, I used to say I miss being a bum and now that I'm back to being one all I can say is... I'M BORED TO TEARS!!! Hahaha!! Why can't we be content with what we have? Oh well, I guess being a bum isn't what it's all cracked up to be. I guess I didn't really miss being a bum but more like I missed having the option to just bum around. Too much of a good thing isn't really good for anyone. But if I get paid to be a bum then I'd most definitely NOT complain, hahaha!!! Hard to go out and do stuff when ur broke and worrying about paying the bills. Aahh.. Ce la'vie... did I spell that right?

Entry for February 18, 2006

Wow, it's been awhile since I last posted something on here. What can I say?? Hmmm... Work still consumes my everyday life. Life is still confusing. Still haven't hung out with my friends as much but that will soon change. I get to spend some quality time with my siblings, albeit not as much as I'd prefer, but at least I get to hang with them from time to time. Life is still life.

I'll be celebrating my birthday pretty soon. I don't usually broadcast that little bit of information but I guess since no one really reads my blogs I thought it wouldn't really matter. Nyahaha!! What do I wish for?? Oh the usual things like happiness and world peace is always up there. Money would be great, hahaha!! But the things I'd want most are the following: Peace of mind. A serenity and calmness which only comes with the feeling of security. Clarity of the mind and heart. Body and soul. With this I will finally be able to realize my true purpose in life and the direction I should take. I wish for strength and courage. Strength and courage for me to be able to hold on to my convictions. Strength and courage for me and the people I care about the most. Strength and courage for me to stay. With all the usual things anybody would wish for on their birthday, these are some of the things I'd like as well. I'd be willing to give up all the presents in the world for these. Be very willing...

Aaah... yes. I am babbling. Please excuse me. Chalk it all up to being a pisces, LOL! Anybody catch that full moon last week?? HAHAHA!!!

I miss being a bum!! :(

Dang it!! Work consumes me. I pretty much have no time for anything else. Reading, TV, movies, hangin' out with friends and tossing back a few beers is a thing of the past. I pretty much just eat, sleep and go to work. Working nights, weekends and holidays are definitely no fun. Even on my days off I just eat and sleep (to make up for the hours of sleep I didn't get, hahaha!). Can someone just hire me to do basically nothing?? Same salary or higher is prefered, nyahaha!!! Oh well, I'm sure (or at least hope) that as time goes by I'll get used to this and be able to schedule in some "fun time". But as for now... I miss being a Bum!! :(