Tired of the things around me. Tired of the work I've been doing. Tired of the life that I find myself in. Tired of the pain that seems to ebb and flow. The ups and downs, the drama and the sorrow. Tired of the rut I keep getting into.
Exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained of all energy. Nothing seems to excite me. Nothing seems to be worthwhile. Trying to look forward to the future yet foresee nothing. Trying to figure out what I want and where I'd like to be but keep drawing a blank. Confusion. Frustration. Despair. Lonely. Alone. Accepting all of these yet mustn't. Have to strive forward, have to look ahead. Change is good, isolation is bad. Isolation, peace and quiet. Detachment. Let go.
Work doesn't do anything for me now. Once a source of strength and focus. A means to forget. A means of escape. Now I feel stifled. I'm suffocating. I can no longer breathe. My life is nowhere I would like it to be and yet have no idea where it should be or at least, where I'd like it to be. I used to know but that was a pipe dream. Something best left in the past. Big words for someone who still can't seem to let go of it. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'm being stupid. Some days I think I have but then again...
As usual, making no sense. Just trying to purge whatever is festering inside me. For a smart woman I can be very stupid at times. Probably was a jackass of a guy in my past life and now I'm paying for my sins. An insensitive, emotionless, user of a prick that now has to atone for his sins from a past life. Interesting theory. Seems plausible though.
I'm exhausted. Exhausted of the thoughts that never seem to cease. The pain in my heart. Exhausted of carrying the weight of other people's problems around my shoulders. Trying to break free but get sucked back in again and again. Surrounded by people who demand so much of me yet give little or nothing in return. Expected to bear it all with a smile on my face. My feelings don't matter. What I think doesn't matter. That I'm in pain doesn't matter. That I'm tired doesn't matter. If I break down and crumble, I'm expected to pull myself together. I have no business being weak. I have no right to be emotional. I have no right to expect and demand love, respect and a little caring.
Emotional tirade. Ups and downs. I probably am bi-polar. Hurt and anger suppressed for so long bubbling to the surface and yet I keep quiet. Still trying to keep it in. Not wanting to make waves. Not wanting to offend. Not wanting to make it difficult and uncomfortable for anyone else. Yes...stupid.
Feeling exposed, hurt, sensitive, fragile and vulnerable but oddly numb at the same time. Feels like someone has his hand around my heart, squeezing it tightly then letting go. Letting go just long enough to think I'm all right then squeezing again. Toying with me. The pain comes and goes.
I make my life what it is. If I'm stuck in a rut, it's because I put myself there or at least, allowed someone to lead me there and push me in. I don't know. Like I said, I'm babbling. Lost and alone. Lonely. That's how I feel at this very moment. That's just how I feel.
I'm no damsel in distress, I can take care of myself and yet sometimes... sometimes I wish someone would save me for once.
Exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained of all energy. Nothing seems to excite me. Nothing seems to be worthwhile. Trying to look forward to the future yet foresee nothing. Trying to figure out what I want and where I'd like to be but keep drawing a blank. Confusion. Frustration. Despair. Lonely. Alone. Accepting all of these yet mustn't. Have to strive forward, have to look ahead. Change is good, isolation is bad. Isolation, peace and quiet. Detachment. Let go.
Work doesn't do anything for me now. Once a source of strength and focus. A means to forget. A means of escape. Now I feel stifled. I'm suffocating. I can no longer breathe. My life is nowhere I would like it to be and yet have no idea where it should be or at least, where I'd like it to be. I used to know but that was a pipe dream. Something best left in the past. Big words for someone who still can't seem to let go of it. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'm being stupid. Some days I think I have but then again...
As usual, making no sense. Just trying to purge whatever is festering inside me. For a smart woman I can be very stupid at times. Probably was a jackass of a guy in my past life and now I'm paying for my sins. An insensitive, emotionless, user of a prick that now has to atone for his sins from a past life. Interesting theory. Seems plausible though.
I'm exhausted. Exhausted of the thoughts that never seem to cease. The pain in my heart. Exhausted of carrying the weight of other people's problems around my shoulders. Trying to break free but get sucked back in again and again. Surrounded by people who demand so much of me yet give little or nothing in return. Expected to bear it all with a smile on my face. My feelings don't matter. What I think doesn't matter. That I'm in pain doesn't matter. That I'm tired doesn't matter. If I break down and crumble, I'm expected to pull myself together. I have no business being weak. I have no right to be emotional. I have no right to expect and demand love, respect and a little caring.
Emotional tirade. Ups and downs. I probably am bi-polar. Hurt and anger suppressed for so long bubbling to the surface and yet I keep quiet. Still trying to keep it in. Not wanting to make waves. Not wanting to offend. Not wanting to make it difficult and uncomfortable for anyone else. Yes...stupid.
Feeling exposed, hurt, sensitive, fragile and vulnerable but oddly numb at the same time. Feels like someone has his hand around my heart, squeezing it tightly then letting go. Letting go just long enough to think I'm all right then squeezing again. Toying with me. The pain comes and goes.
I make my life what it is. If I'm stuck in a rut, it's because I put myself there or at least, allowed someone to lead me there and push me in. I don't know. Like I said, I'm babbling. Lost and alone. Lonely. That's how I feel at this very moment. That's just how I feel.
I'm no damsel in distress, I can take care of myself and yet sometimes... sometimes I wish someone would save me for once.
0 comments:
Post a Comment