My Letter to RP

wanted to write something for my blog but couldn't think of anything so i decided to email a friend instead. towards the end i realized it looked like something i'd post on my blog so what the heck. those who bother to read my blog basically know i put it out there anyway, my emotions. so if you want to comment on it, feel free. i'd be interested to know what people really think, even if i wouldn't like it. as for the person who this email is meant for, get back to me on it.

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nothing. was tired of working so i was checking out my blog. was thinking about writing but felt tired and couldn't think of anything to write so i just read...and read...and read.

don't you find my posts depressing? i mean, is it just me or do people get depressed reading them? on the one hand i think most of what i wrote were pretty good, a bit eloquent even. Honest and open. No pretensions, just me being real. yet on the other hand it's depressing and/or full of crap. i dunno, what do u think?

i realized i couldn't read this one post without getting a little choked up. just that one post. it just seems so honest and real even for me. like my emotions where there for everyone to see. my vulnerability. it seemed like i couldn't get any more emotionally exposed than that. pretty short post but nevertheless...

maybe it's just me. maybe it just gets to me because in some way i still feel the way i did at the time i wrote it. maybe it's just because it means or meant something to me. maybe in time i won't feel the same way about it as i do now. maybe i'd even feel stupid putting it up there. maybe i'm being too introspective. maybe i think too much, feel too much. maybe. i dunno. lots of maybes. oh, well. someday...just someday.

i'll talk to you soon.

Entry for June 10, 2007

Went shopping today. Was supposed to get something to wear for work but I couldn't find what I liked so bought something else. Bought a couple of short skirts, shirts, blouse and a tanktop. Fun, fun, fun!!

I got my ear pierced today as well. Yes, I said ear. Just one. Pretty awesome but I'm sure it's going to hurt like hell in the morning. Have no idea how I'm going to work with this thing throbbing in my ear since I wear a headset all day everyday, hahaha!! But hell, it was well worth it. Next thing... a tat!

Wanderlust...

Do you ever have those days that you feel antsy and don't know what to do? Like you're itching to do something else or be somewhere else but don't know what or where? That's how I feel now. The job I once enjoyed and took comfort in now seems to suffocate and bore the hell out of me. The people that I look forward to seeing everyday now bug the hell out of me. I want to do something else but don't know what, want to be someplace else but don't know where. Confused as hell and don't know what to do about it. All I know is I'd love nothing more than to be anyplace else but where I am right now. I need a change, something new. Something completely different and out of the norm. New surroundings, new people. A place where no one knows me or anything about me. Start fresh. Be able to leave all the excess baggage behind.

I know, seems like a cop out. Like I'm trying to escape from the life I'm living. But isn't that sometimes for the best? Besides, I don't seem to be living my life anyway. Hiding behind work, behind friends, behind... stuff. I want to leave. Just leave. When you think about it, I really don't have anything or anyone tying me down. Family and friends I have lots of here, yes, but they all have their own lives so it wouldn't really make much of a difference if I stay or go. I have nothing of my own. I feel misplaced. Feel out of sorts and lost. Even around family and friends I feel out of place. The odd man (or woman as the case may be) out.

If I had the money I'd just get up and go. The destination doesn't really matter, anywhere is fine. I guess that's the only thing that's keeping me from going. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear of needing to rely on someone else. Oh, I digress. In my mind I am.

I have nothing for me here nor do I have anything for me anywhere else. I just want to go.

Yes, I WOULD like some cheese with my whine. Yes... I digress.

Ramblings...

Tired of the things around me. Tired of the work I've been doing. Tired of the life that I find myself in. Tired of the pain that seems to ebb and flow. The ups and downs, the drama and the sorrow. Tired of the rut I keep getting into.

Exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained of all energy. Nothing seems to excite me. Nothing seems to be worthwhile. Trying to look forward to the future yet foresee nothing. Trying to figure out what I want and where I'd like to be but keep drawing a blank. Confusion. Frustration. Despair. Lonely. Alone. Accepting all of these yet mustn't. Have to strive forward, have to look ahead. Change is good, isolation is bad. Isolation, peace and quiet. Detachment. Let go.

Work doesn't do anything for me now. Once a source of strength and focus. A means to forget. A means of escape. Now I feel stifled. I'm suffocating. I can no longer breathe. My life is nowhere I would like it to be and yet have no idea where it should be or at least, where I'd like it to be. I used to know but that was a pipe dream. Something best left in the past. Big words for someone who still can't seem to let go of it. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'm being stupid. Some days I think I have but then again...

As usual, making no sense. Just trying to purge whatever is festering inside me. For a smart woman I can be very stupid at times. Probably was a jackass of a guy in my past life and now I'm paying for my sins. An insensitive, emotionless, user of a prick that now has to atone for his sins from a past life. Interesting theory. Seems plausible though.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of the thoughts that never seem to cease. The pain in my heart. Exhausted of carrying the weight of other people's problems around my shoulders. Trying to break free but get sucked back in again and again. Surrounded by people who demand so much of me yet give little or nothing in return. Expected to bear it all with a smile on my face. My feelings don't matter. What I think doesn't matter. That I'm in pain doesn't matter. That I'm tired doesn't matter. If I break down and crumble, I'm expected to pull myself together. I have no business being weak. I have no right to be emotional. I have no right to expect and demand love, respect and a little caring.

Emotional tirade. Ups and downs. I probably am bi-polar. Hurt and anger suppressed for so long bubbling to the surface and yet I keep quiet. Still trying to keep it in. Not wanting to make waves. Not wanting to offend. Not wanting to make it difficult and uncomfortable for anyone else. Yes...stupid.

Feeling exposed, hurt, sensitive, fragile and vulnerable but oddly numb at the same time. Feels like someone has his hand around my heart, squeezing it tightly then letting go. Letting go just long enough to think I'm all right then squeezing again. Toying with me. The pain comes and goes.

I make my life what it is. If I'm stuck in a rut, it's because I put myself there or at least, allowed someone to lead me there and push me in. I don't know. Like I said, I'm babbling. Lost and alone. Lonely. That's how I feel at this very moment. That's just how I feel.

I'm no damsel in distress, I can take care of myself and yet sometimes... sometimes I wish someone would save me for once.